Resolving ABUSE – Verbal Abuse in Marriage

On this segment, I want to talk about verbal abuse coming from husband to wife, or from wife to husband. Yes, I believe that wives can be just as verbally abusive as husbands.

Verbal abuse is usually there when one partner or both have a desire to try and control the other person, and it is often, but not always accompanied by anger.

Usually it is the one with the stronger, more expressive personality that tends to use their words in hurtful ways, but not always. The quieter, less expressive spouse can administer very deep, very thoughtful, very calculated, painful wounds with their words. And, they are more likely to be believable rather than just someone carelessly firing verbal bullets. However, the more expressive spouse is usually the one who has greater difficulty controlling their words.

Either way, when the husband cuts the wife, or the wife cuts the husband, it hurts the children.

The husband and wife relationship is supposed to be a representation of the Messiah and the Bride. Husbands are called to love their wives, to nourish and cherish them. Wives are called to reverence their husbands and submit to them in the way they submit to the Master Yahushua Himself.

Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Messiah also loved the church and gave Himself for her,

Ephesians 5:22-24 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Master.
 23 For the husband is head of the wife, as also Messiah is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body.
 24 Therefore, just as the congregation is subject to Messiah, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.

So if the husband is verbally abusing his wife, or the wife is verbally abusing her husband, this is a terrible stumbling block to their children. 

The husband is teaching the child, by his example, that Yahushua is unloving. The wife, meanwhile, is teaching the children how to be rebellious and disrespectful toward authority. It is toxic whether it comes from the husband or it comes from the wife. When it comes from both, it can do very serious damage.

The goal should be for the husband and wife to have the kind of relationship that the children admire, and want for themselves when they become adults. If the parents are not modeling that, it can cause them to look for other ways to live, tempting them to walk away from the faith altogether.

Now if you are a child and your parents are struggling in this area, please understand.. your parents aren’t doing the things they do because this is the typical life of a believer. They are doing the things that they do because they are not walking in the Spirit as the scriptures instruct us to do.

Galatians 5:19-21 Now the works of the flesh are evident, which are: adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lewdness,
 20 idolatry, sorcery, hatred, contentions, jealousies, outbursts of wrath, selfish ambitions, dissensions, heresies,
 21 envy, murders, drunkenness, revelries, and the like; of which I tell you beforehand, just as I also told you in time past, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of Elohim.

If we have contentions, also known as arguments and strife, going on in the household, it is not a small matter. Verbal abuse is often a part of it. We need to see strife and arguing as Yahweh Himself sees it. Those who are willing to practice such things will not inherit the Kingdom of Elohim.

IT IS SERIOUS! Those who practice strife will not inherit life! See full study on this here.

The antidote to walking the flesh is walking in the Spirit:

Galatians 5:22-25 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,
 23 gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law.
 24 And those who are Messiah’s have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.
 25 If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit.

If this is not what our household looks like, then we are not living the way Yahweh instructs us to live. Rather, we are sinning and need to repent. It’s that simple, cut and dry, no holds barred, no sugar coating. If this isn’t what our lives look like, we are not manifesting the Spirit of the living Elohim.

And, children, if your parents aren’t providing you a household like this, I have two things I would like to share with you before I move on.

  1. Don’t associate the way your parents are living with the bible. They aren’t doing what scripture instructs us to do. There are many households of faith that do have a Spirit filled home and it’s wonderful.
  2. Don’t judge your parents. Just as you yourself have things that you need to overcome, we all actually do. Rather than judging your parents and becoming bitter toward them because of their issues, resolve how you will try to live your life differently when you get married. Because here is what often happens: The bitter root judgment that you store up against your parents is rooted in pride. So this can result in Yahweh testing you so that you see how hard it really is, and if you fail, hopefully humble yourself and get the bitter root judgment out of your life.

    You can save yourself a lot of heartache by just saying, “Well, this is an area my parents haven’t yet overcome, so I’ll just pray for them, love them and make sure I’m walking the Spirit myself, then hopefully choose to have a more Spirit filled home when I get old enough to have a family of my own.”

Getting back to the parents, we need to have a fear of Elohim in this area. Strife and arguments are right up there with other sins like murder, fornication, drunkenness and idolatry.

Just as you hopefully would not consider bowing down to an idol in your home, or getting drunk in your home, I hope that you would have a fear of Elohim and not engage in verbal abuse in your home. 

It’s oppression. It’s oppressive to your spouse, and it’s oppressive to your children when you engage in it.

Now first of all, let me say to the men… just as you should not word curse your children, you should not word curse your wife. You are only opening a wide door for the enemy to possibly attack her even more than she is already being attacked.

We must dwell with our wives with understanding:

1 Peter 3:7 Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered.

This means that while it is true we are given the position of headship and leadership in the home, it also means that we have to lead with understanding. We have to give proper honor to our wives. If we do not, we are at risk of Yahweh choosing not to hear our prayers.

Remember what Yahweh said in Isaiah. 

Isaiah 1:15 When you spread out your hands, I will hide My eyes from you; Even though you make many prayers, I will not hear. Your hands are full of blood.
16 “Wash yourselves, make yourselves clean; Put away the evil of your doings from before My eyes. Cease to do evil,
17 Learn to do good; Seek justice, Rebuke the oppressor; Defend the fatherless, Plead for the widow.

Perhaps our hands aren’t full of blood, perhaps our children aren’t fatherless and our wives a widow. But is it so, spiritually? Are our children on the road to destruction because they have never seen the love of Yahushua coming from their father toward their mother? 

All the Sabbaths, calling of assemblies, feast days can be a burden to Him because He cannot endure the neglect. And so again I say, if in Isaiah 1:13-17, Yahweh cannot endure the offerings, Feast Days and Sabbaths of those who are failing to save the oppressed wife and children from another man, how much more so if we oppress our own?

Perhaps as men some of you feel oppressed by a contentious, verbally abusive and/or rebellious wife. But that doesn’t cause you to be exempt from Yahweh’s commandment to love her as Yahushua loved the assembly. Scripture says that we love Him because He first loved us. We must still love, and that’s the best environment for the other person to change.

So it is important that we do not allow any corrupt word to come out of our mouths, no matter how many corrupt words we are being subjected to.

We each will face Yahweh one day, and no matter how much your wife may be failing in her duties as a wife, it gives us no excuse to fail in our duties as husbands.

The real test of whether a man is a man doesn’t come through how physically strong he is, the real test of is whether a man comes through standing strong in the face of tremendous spiritual opposition.

David said to Solomon:

1 Kings 2:2-3 I go the way of all the earth; be strong, therefore, and prove yourself a man.
 3 “And keep the charge of Yahweh your Mighty One: to walk in His ways, to keep His statutes, His commandments, His judgments, and His testimonies, as it is written in the Law of Moses, that you may prosper in all that you do and wherever you turn;

True leadership sets an example of love and service. True leadership doesn’t sit back like a king on a throne, firing off orders and demanding respect. True leadership lives in such a way that just commands respect.

Now on the part of the wife, she must be very careful to show proper respect for the position that Yahweh gave her husband. And it doesn’t matter how he acts. Just as you must respect a police officer and judge, regardless of how much you like them personally, the same respect must be given to the husband. In the case of the police officer and the judge, it is their office you are respecting, more so than the person themselves. They are in a position of authority, so honor should be given to the office they hold.

Many decry the lack of respect being given to law enforcement nowadays, but this is simply the outcome of a culture that has no respect for authority. 

If children don’t have a father in their life, and/or the wife doesn’t model respect to the husband’s headship in the home, it’s no wonder we have a culture of disrespect today. 

In the case of judge or a police officer, those men sought after that line of work. If they are to be respected, how much more so the husband? He didn’t ask to be the leader, he was given that position by Yahweh Himself. To disrespect the husband, therefore, is to disrespect Yahweh.

That’s also why children must honor their parents. Yahweh is the one who gave the position of parenthood to the parents. To dishonor them is to dishonor Yahweh.

Likewise for a wife to verbally abuse her husband is the height of disrespect and rebellion toward Yahweh Himself. Thus, it says:

Ephesians 5:24 Therefore, just as the congregation is subject to Messiah, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.

So she must allow her attitudes, her words and her actions to reflect that reality. Any effort to try and overthrow her husband’s decisions, or resorting to methods of control are a sin in Yahweh’s eyes.

What are methods of control?

Just as a husband might try to control his wife by belittling her into compliance, or shaming her into doing what he wants her to do, thereby oppressing her through verbal abuse, a wife also can just as easily do the same.

Now she may not be able to intimidate him with her physical size or a menacing baritone voice, but just as men have developed ways of controlling their wives, women have also found ways to control their husbands. 

The most common method of control is what might be called “nagging” or applying pressure. We see this in the book of Judges:

Judges 14:16-17 Then Samson’s wife wept on him, and said, “You only hate me! You do not love me! You have posed a riddle to the sons of my people, but you have not explained it to me.” And he said to her, “Look, I have not explained it to my father or my mother; so should I explain it to you?”
 17 Now she had wept on him the seven days while their feast lasted. And it happened on the seventh day that he told her, because she pressed him so much. Then she explained the riddle to the sons of her people.

Now some people read this and chuckle a little bit, feeling sorry for Samson. But here was the strongest man in the bible, who could not withstand the pressure of an accusing, nagging wife.

Notice that she used the power of false accusation to gain control over him. As I mentioned in previous segments, using false accusation to control another person is a form of verbal abuse and is considered to be violence with the mouth. The kind of violence that caused Yahweh to destroy the earth with a flood and start over.

The word in Hebrew for “pressed” is the above scripture is:

06693 צוּק tsuwq {tsook} 
Meaning:  1) (Hiphil) to constrain, press, bring into straits, straiten, oppress 
Origin:  a primitive root; TWOT – 1895; v
Usage:  AV – distress 5, oppressor 2, sore 1, press 1, straiten 1; 11

If you don’t think it’s significant, remember that Samson lost his calling because of this kind of pressure:

Judges 16:15-17 Then she said to him, “How can you say,`I love you,’ when your heart is not with me? You have mocked me these three times, and have not told me where your great strength lies.”
 16 And it came to pass, when she pestered him daily with her words and pressed him, so that his soul was vexed to death,
 17 that he told her all his heart, and said to her, “No razor has ever come upon my head, for I have been a Nazirite to Elohim from my mother’s womb. If I am shaven, then my strength will leave me, and I shall become weak, and be like any other man.”

“Pestered” is again that word “Tsuwq,”to the point that the strongest man in the bible, knowing full well that she would likely tell on him, gave up. He couldn’t handle it anymore.

This kind of oppression can be so strong, it can drive normally sane people to do insane things:

Jeremiah 19:9 “And I will cause them to eat the flesh of their sons and the flesh of their daughters, and everyone shall eat the flesh of his friend in the siege and in the desperation with which their enemies and those who seek their lives shall drive them to despair.”‘

The same word is used here, translated “shall drive them to despair.”

Many women in our culture today know the power of doing this, and use it to control their husbands. Their hen-pecked husbands then give up even trying to lead the family and just let her do it. People joke about it, saying “she wears the pants,” but it’s no joking matter. 

Whenever you meet a new married couple, it usually doesn’t take long until you discern who really “wears the pants.” There are so many men who could have done so many great things, like Samson, but lost their calling when they put their wives in Yahushua’s position. 

Yahushua is the head of the husband, but many men are content to just let their wives lead. They feel as though it is not worth dealing with her wrath, her accusations, and her contentions. 

Solomon spoke of this at length:

Proverbs 27:15 A continual dripping on a very rainy day And a contentious woman are alike;

Women cannot usually oppress men through physical abuse, so they do so with their words. This is how they gain power in the relationship.

This is not just some minor sin, ladies. It is serious.

Isa 3:12 As for My people, children are their oppressors, And women rule over them. O My people! Those who lead you cause you to err, And destroy the way of your paths.”

There is an unclean drive within the hearts of women to dominate and control their husbands. Many grew up in homes where they were abused by an authority figure. Their solution to avoiding the same situation again is to dominate and oppress their husbands. They use tools of control, like false accusation.. threats to divorce.. and anger to intimidate and oppress their husbands into doing their will. 

As I said, some men will just give up and allow the woman to lead. They figure for the sake of peace, and to avoid drama, it’s better to just let the woman have her way all the time. Sometimes it’s kind of sick in how backwards it is. Easy-going husbands are dominated by their strong-willed wives and led around by the nose.. mousy in their speech.. too afraid to stand for what is right, too oppressed to even think they have much of a voice. 

Women, if this is how you treat your husband, you are no better than a man who dominates and abuses his wife.

It’s spousal abuse. It’s verbal violence. It’s an attempt to control a husband by means of oppression. They have relegated themselves to a place beneath you already, and now they are oppressed and too weak, too beaten down, too afraid to walk in the role that Yahweh has given them.

Ladies, I’m sorry that you were hurt by oppressive men.. but the evil for evil is not Yahushua’s way. You don’t resolve your lack of trust in Yahweh by dominating your husbands. This is wrong headed and not like Messiah at all.

Scripture calls you to a higher place. Scripture calls you to do the very opposite:

1Pe 3:1-2 Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives,
 2 when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear.
3 Do not let your adornment be merely outward– arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel–

“Even if some don’t obey the word.” So this is a general principle, and it applies to all situations “even if some don’t obey the word” it still applies. So regardless of how obedient your own husband might be to “the word,” the same principle applies. 

Let it be your conduct that reproves them, not your words. It says “without a word” you win over your husband. That’s the exact opposite of being verbally abusive. It’s the exact opposite of contention, oppression and control. 

1Pe 3:4-6 rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of Elohim.
 5 For in this manner, in former times, the holy women who trusted in Elohim also adorned themselves, being submissive to their own husbands,
 6 as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him master, whose daughters you are if you do good and are not afraid with any terror.

So what do you do? You trust. Submission is a token of respect and trust in Yahweh. It’s evidence that a woman has faith that Yahweh will take care of her, no matter what. If she just does what He says to do, He will see to it that whatever the husband may do or not do, Yahweh will cause all things to turn out for her benefit.

Now if you are the husband of a dominant wife who has difficulty trusting in Yahweh… Peter also has some advice:

1Pe 3:7-9 Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered.
 8 Finally, all of you be of one mind, having compassion for one another; love as brothers, be tenderhearted, be courteous;
 9 not returning evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary blessing, knowing that you were called to this, that you may inherit a blessing.

If our wives are having difficulty with trusting in Yahweh, we need to dwell with them with understanding. Honor them, realize they are the more fragile vessel and treat them with honor and respect. 

When we honor and respect them, they feel more secure.. because the core of an abusive husband is an unwillingness to respect his wife and her boundaries. 

Lacking respect for his wife, and sometimes for women overall, men will choose to abuse. But a husband must treat his wife with dignity, honor and respect. That builds trust.. trust that you are not the kind of man who would knowingly allow harm to come to your wife. Dwell with them with understanding. Understand what makes her tick, what buttons cause a negative reaction and do your part in helping her trust in Yahweh.

That’s true leadership.

As men, we should conduct ourselves in such a way while we do take the lead, our goal is to come to a consensus with our wives in every decision….that we might be partners and heirs together of the grace of life. Our goal is to lead in such a way that best serves the family overall, not just what best serves us. 

But if we are unable to come to a consensus with our wives, and we believe we are clearly led by Yahweh to do something different than our wives would want us to do, we should simply state what our will is in that situation and act as the one in the lead.

If the wife is unwilling to follow our lead.. that’s where our responsibility ends. We have taken the lead and we have said what we needed to say, and now the ball is in their court to follow that lead. 

So.. if they do not follow our lead, it’s wrong for us to force them to follow our lead by intimidating, oppressing, hurting and damaging them.  

Leadership involves guiding others in the way of righteousness by example and wisdom, but control involves an attempt to force them to make the right choice. If a wife is only making right choices because she is forced to or fears her husband’s wrath or hurtful words, this is not helping her relationship with Yahweh to grow. 

The goal is that a wife will do what is right because she willingly submits herself to Yahweh. To dominate, intimidate, and oppress them into submission only exacerbates the situation because it is the fear of being hurt and the insecurity that exists in that situation which is actually making it difficult for the wife to trust her husband’s decisions. 

Let me say that again, to dominate, intimidate, and oppress a wife into submission only makes everything worse because it is usually her fear of being hurt and fear of insecurity that is usually the root cause of why she has a hard time trusting her husband’s decisions. 

Yes, she is called to trust in Yahweh as the holy women of old did.. but a sometimes a history of oppression or abuse has made that a very difficult and scary thing to do. Yes, they should still trust in Yahweh no matter what, and they have no excuse. But we as men can lead as Messiah did.. leading by serving, by caring, by having compassion and gentleness in our attitudes.. and this can be a great help to our wives.. helping them trust in Yahweh. May Yahweh help us all walk with one another with understanding.

Men who lead in this manner are, most of the time, men who are easy to submit to.

And women who are content to let their husbands lead, choosing not to fight him or question his worth as a man, are women who are very easy to love.

It works both ways. I’m not picking on one side or the other. Our relationship can become very symbiotic, where both partners find themselves counting on each other in a beautiful cycle of love going back and forth, or a vicious cycle of verbal violence that only ends in disaster. Disaster for themselves and disaster for their children.

If we have practiced verbal abuse to the point of where it becomes part of our character, we are actually instructed in scripture to not consider that person a believer:

1 Corinthians 5:11-13 But now I have written to you not to keep company with anyone named a brother, who is sexually immoral, or covetous, or an idolater, or a reviler, or a drunkard, or an extortioner– not even to eat with such a person.
12 For what have I to do with judging those also who are outside? Do you not judge those who are inside?
13 But those who are outside Elohim judges. Therefore “put away from yourselves the evil person.”

Now the word translated “reviler” in this scripture is the Greek word “Loydoiros.” It’s only found in one other place in the NT. 

1 Corinthians 6:9-10 Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of Elohim? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites,
 10 nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of Elohim.

This word translated “revilers” must be important because practicing it can keep you from inheriting eternal life. 

So it’s pretty important that we understand it properly. So far it’s not particularly descriptive. What does it mean to be a reviler?

[Friberg, Analytical Greek Lexicon]  
λοίδορος, ου, as one who intentionally abuses another with speech reviler, slanderer, abusive person

Looking this word up in the Septuagint, which is an 3rd century BCE translation of the Old Testament from Hebrew to Greek, I found it in some other places:

Proverbs 26:21 As charcoal is to burning coals, and wood to fire, So is a contentious man to kindle strife.

Proverbs 27:15 A continual dripping on a very rainy day And a contentious woman are alike;

So verbally abusive men and verbally abusive women are kindlers of strife, and like a continual dripping on a very rainy day… like Delilah was to Samson. 

Delilah used false accusation, she used constant nagging and pressure, driving the man to the point of being vexed to death. And yes, men can practice it just as easily as women can.

Believe it or not, this is a sin worthy of disfellowship. Scripture says so:

1 Corinthians 5:11-13 But now I have written to you not to keep company with anyone named a brother, who is sexually immoral, or covetous, or an idolater, or a reviler, or a drunkard, or an extortioner– not even to eat with such a person.
12 For what have I to do with judging those also who are outside? Do you not judge those who are inside?
 13 But those who are outside Elohim judges. Therefore “put away from yourselves the evil person.”

This last reference is Paul’s justification for disfellowship. He cites the death penalty prescribed in the Torah, “put away from yourselves that evil person.”

Deuteronomy 21:21 – “Then all the men of his city shall stone him to death with stones; so you shall put away the evil from among you, and all Israel shall hear and fear.

So, in the eyes of 1st century believers, this was a capital offense. Someone who takes on this identity is considered to be spiritually dead. This is because they are practicing an abomination:

Proverbs 6:16-19 These six things Yahweh hates, Yes, seven are an abomination to Him:
 17 A proud look, A lying tongue, Hands that shed innocent blood,
 18 A heart that devises wicked plans, Feet that are swift in running to evil,
 19 A false witness who speaks lies, And one who sows discord among brethren.

One who is verbally abusive is typically guilty of all seven of these abominations. 

In the case of the husband, he is taking his position as the head of the household to be a place of pride and arrogance, abusing his position as leader. With that, he carelessly falsely accuses, and therefore abuses his wife and/or children with his lying tongue. In his self-centeredness, he devises plans to feed his carnal self by dominating and controlling his family rather than leading them as a gentle shepherd. This created an environment of conflict, that is, unnecessary discord between himself and his wife, thus sowing discord in his family by his anger. At that point he has created a home environment that is toxic to his family, causing the children and sometimes even the wife to walk away from the faith. Thus, the shedding of innocent blood. 

He could have led his family with love, with joy, with peace, with longsuffering and kindness, goodness, faithfulness and gentleness, and with self control. Instead, his actions resulted his children walking away from the faith and wanting nothing to do with this Elohim he claimed to serve. Thus, he shed their innocent blood, and he has blood on his hands. 

Proverbs 29:22 An angry man stirs up strife, And a furious man abounds in transgression.

Brothers, we HAVE to walk in the Spirit:

Galatians 5:22-25 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,
 23 gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law.

Now concerning verbal abuse on the part of the wife, what I’m about to say is going to be hard pill for some of you to swallow. I’m not going to candy-coat it. I’m going to tell you like it is, not because I hate you, but because I love you enough to speak the truth.

I’m not going to be afraid to rain on your parade, and I hope that you love Yahweh enough to allow me to rain on your parade. For some of you, this is going to be hard for you to hear, but it is very true:

Proverbs 6:16-19 These six things Yahweh hates, Yes, seven are an abomination to Him:
 17 A proud look, A lying tongue, Hands that shed innocent blood,
 18 A heart that devises wicked plans, Feet that are swift in running to evil,
 19 A false witness who speaks lies, And one who sows discord among brethren.

It again starts with pride. Actually pride is usually underneath the surface of most sins that people do. In this case, she’s not content with her position as a wife, humbly conducting her life under his authority. But like Eve, she is unsatisfied with her created position. So, through pride she begins to take control of her husband through falsely accusing and the lying tongue that comes out of it. This is abuse, according to scripture. 

She knows it works to control her husband, so anytime he tries to take the lead, she has a wicked plan already in her heart. Just bring up past offenses, and use them as a basis to accuse him of new offenses. It works time and time again. He will bow, he will cower. She knows what to do. And she gets really good at it, there is nothing in her heart that says “you need stop doing this,” she is swift to run to this evil. 

Thus, she sows discord and contention, which is oppression and abuse toward her husband…setting an example of rebellion to authority. 

Such women are actually training her children to hate authority, throwing her home into confusion, tearing it down with her hands and shaking her fist at Yahweh’s authority in her life…preferring to rearrange Yahweh’s designated place for her. 

She teaches her children the Yahweh is not an Elohim to be feared, rather she joins forces with the agent of rebellion, satan himself, committing a sin equal to witchcraft in her home:

1 Samuel 15:23 For rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft, And stubbornness is as iniquity and idolatry.

Rebellion is like Witchcraft because it relies upon the devil’s tactics to gain power. Satan is in rebellion against Yahweh’s authority. A woman who will not yield to her husband’s authority is committing a sin equal to witchcraft. 

The word translated “stubbornness” means to press.. which is the same word to describe Jacob pressing Esau to take the gift in Genesis 33:11, or when the servants of Elisha pressed him to allow them to go and hunt for EliYah after he was taken up in a whirlwind. They pressed him until he was ashamed.. not much different than Delilah pressing Samson. 

So rebellion and stubbornness are like witchcraft and idolatry. She might as well be having a satanic séance in her home. Scripture says it’s the same thing.

Is there is any sin greater than rebellion? How many rebels will be in the Kingdom of Elohim? None.

And then through all of this, she, just as the verbally abusive husband does, creates a home environment that is toxic to her family, causing the children and sometimes even the husband to walk away from the faith. Thus the shedding of innocent blood. 

Luke 17:1-2 Then He said to the disciples, “It is impossible that no offenses should come, but woe to him through whom they do come!
 2 “It would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were thrown into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.

So stop the offenses, and begin to build your home rather than tearing it down.

Proverbs 14:1 The wise woman builds her house, But the foolish pulls it down with her hands.

Wives, give Yahweh the controls, allow Him to change your husband since He can do a better job anyway. If anyone can, He can, by the Holy Spirit…a force you cannot produce. If you are content to “play Holy Spirit,” you actually trying deny the opportunity for your husband to have the kind of relationship with Yahweh he needs to have. So if you want to build your home, let Yahweh be the builder:

Psalm 127:1 Unless Yahweh builds the house, They labor in vain who build it

To let Yahweh build it requires wives to walk in the Spirit:

Galatians 6:7-8 Do not be deceived, Elohim is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap.
 8 For he who sows to his flesh will of the flesh reap corruption, but he who sows to the Spirit will of the Spirit reap everlasting life.

So to reap life for your family, walk in the Spirit. 

So how do we walk in the Spirit? You know what to do. I have shown the men what to do, bear the fruits of the Spirit. Women must also do the same. It’s just a matter of doing it.

If you want your husband to spend quality time with you, make the time he spends with you a time of sweetness and delight. 

Proverbs 25:24 It is better to dwell in a corner of a housetop, Than in a house shared with a contentious woman.

Proverbs 21:19 Better to dwell in the wilderness, Than with a contentious and angry woman.

If you find your husband spending more and more time with his friends, or doing other things.. maybe that’s his housetop, maybe that’s his wilderness. Maybe not, but you want to create the best environment possible for him to want to be with you and with the family.

Now, men, I didn’t just give you an excuse to neglect your duties as a man.. one of which is to spend time with your wife. Maybe if you made your time with your wife a time of love, giving her the attention she needs, she wouldn’t nag so much. 

And women, I didn’t just give you an excuse to nag. We all need to be accountable to Yahweh. Both husband and wife need to give 100%, not expecting anything in return.. much less demanding it.

And men, if your wife is contentious… understand this. There really aren’t any easy answers to stopping it. 

Proverbs 27:15-16 A continual dripping on a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike;
 16 Whoever restrains her restrains the wind, and grasps oil with his right hand.

You cannot jam scripture down her throat, and you cannot hammer her into submission. That isn’t Yahweh’s way. The only force capable of changing your wife is the Holy Spirit. Resist the temptation to allow your leadership to morph into you becoming a controlling individual.

If you want your wife to walk in the Spirit, show what it means to walk in the Spirit by your example. Resist the temptation to do evil for evil.

1 Peter 3:8-9 Finally, all of you be of one mind, having compassion for one another; love as brothers, be tenderhearted, be courteous;
 9 not returning evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary blessing, knowing that you were called to this, that you may inherit a blessing.

So love her as brothers in the faith are called to love. Most women who operate in rebellion to authority are doing so out of self-protection. They are usually wounded, so start caring about her heart wounds. Operate in the position of protector by covering her heart wounds with your hands. And if you say something that she says is hurtful, rather than making an excuse, just apologize for hurting her… even accidentally.

If you accidentally elbowed your wife in the shoulder, or accidentally caused her to trip and fall. You would still apologize for accidentally hurting her physically. So you must do if you accidentally wound her tender heart. The more you care for her heart, the more she will know you care. The more she knows you care, the more she will trust, the more content she will be in knowing she is loved and valued. Speak words of life into her tender heart, words of love and affirmation, not words that tear down.

Ephesians 4:29-32 Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers.
 30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of Elohim, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.
 31 Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice.
 32 And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as Elohim in Messiah forgave you.

And wives, speak words of support to your husband. His great need is to be properly respected. If he feels respected, he will not so much feel the need to assert his authority in controlling and hurtful ways.

Let everyone, rather than trying to take control over each other, give Yahweh the control by living the way Yahweh commanded us to live. Each of them must treat the other the way Yahweh commands, and this is the best environment to maximizing the work of the Holy Spirit in their lives of their life partner.

Each partner trying to forcing each other to make the right choices is not Yahweh’s way, period. 

If you have been failing in this area, seek counseling and go before Yahweh in sincere repentance and confession. Then, make the changes in how your treat your spouse without expecting anything in return. If both husband and wife do this, there is hope for a glorious marriage that your children and others will envy and want to have in their own lives.

Most importantly, Yahweh will be glorified!