Abuse: How do We Solve It? – Part 2/5

Part two. How do we solve it, the issue of abuse. One of those uncomfortable things to talk about but I feel very necessary to talk about, is the topic of abuse, because it does happen, and we as believers in Messiah Yahushua need to know how to respond to it when we come across it, especially when you’re dealing with perhaps new believers that are just coming into this faith, and just into faith overall, as well as anyone else.

So in last week’s segment we did talk about the importance of accountability as a way to help resolve abuse. We looked at the English and Hebraic definitions of abusive behavior. We looked at the danger of someone being given absolute power. And we know that Yahweh hates it when we take advantage of another person’s disadvantage, and that Yahweh Himself is hurt when we choose to abuse others. And that violence actually can be committed with our mouths; and how bearing false witness or falsely accusing someone is actually considered to be a type of violence that hurts Yahweh Himself. Those are some of the principles we looked at last week, and we’re going to continue to talk this week.

I do want to say that, imagine for a moment, Yahweh came to you in a vision. He pointed out a particular man in your community that He was going to give permanent amnesia—all loss of memories, all his past memories to be permanently erased. And in this vision you He commissioned to take care of this man in the community and to teach him all he needs to know about the ways of Yahweh. You would be entrusted with this man’s salvation, with how he views the world, with how he views Yahweh Himself.

How seriously would you take that responsibility?

Yahweh came to you in a vision and says, “This is your job right here.” Would you take it seriously? Would you take that responsibility very seriously? Would you ignore it? Would you find other things to do? Would you pour your heart and your soul into something else or would you focus on this effort?

I say to you, if you’re a parent you have been entrusted with this responsibility. But this is not a man from the community you’re being entrusted with, it is your own children. Yahweh hands you a child with a blank page.

And so we’re going to talk about what’s supposed to fill those pages. And we’re going to talk about the topic of verbal abuse. Probably more than any other relationship on the earth, it really is true when it comes to how parents talk to their children (Proverbs 18:21) – Death and life are in the power of the tongue… – Truly.

It’s amazing what damage our words can do. It can indeed be a matter of life and death. Our words can lead our children down the path of despair, hopelessness, maybe even suicide. And our words can lead our children also to the Promised Land. Death and life are in the power of the tongue.

I’m here to tell you if you have a problem keeping your emotions in check and keeping your spirit under control you need help, because this is where words of death tend to come out.

Scripture says in Proverbs chapter 25 verse 28 – Whoever has no rule over his own spirit is like a city broken down, without walls. – A city broken down without walls. Why is it compared to that? Why is that? If a city in ancient times had no walls, then the enemy could come in at will and wreak havoc and wreak destruction.

So it is with someone who does not have any rule over his own spirit. The enemy comes in, uses the person like a person uses a sword to cut, to tear down, and to destroy the people around them. That’s what it’s like. You have to have rule over your own spirit.

One of the fruits of the Spirit is self-control. And one of the works of the flesh is anger, outbursts of wrath, right? (Galatians 5:19-21) – Works of the flesh are evident: adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lewdness,
²⁰ idolatry, sorcery, hatred, contentions, jealousies, outbursts of wrath, selfish ambitions, dissensions, heresies,
²¹ envy, murders, drunkenness, revelries, – Death and life from the power of the tongue. You can murder your own children and have blood on your hands with the words that you speak. – of which I tell you beforehand, just as I also told you in time past, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of Elohim.

I didn’t write the mail here, this is what Scripture says. And if this is you, you need to listen to this message today. You need to.

There is a deception that is associated with anger. A deception that often tempts the person to resort to it again and again and again. And the deception of anger is this—it works. It often may result in you getting what you want. People who have a less dominant and more submissive personality, and usually your children being in a position of vulnerability, will tend to bow to your demand, whatever it might be, rather than deal with the temper tantrum you’re exhibiting and all the drama associated with it, it is, “Let you have your way, okay, okay, okay, okay.”

And then you set this point where, this is where you’re going to lay down the law, is whenever you get angry. And then they know to listen. And then you have to get angry again and again and again and again.

And in your mind it works. You might feel justified in using anger to get what you want, especially if you believe that what you want is the right thing to be done. And that’s one reason why the habit is so hard to break. Because we feel in our heart somehow it just works. It’s a quick fix, right?

And helping someone to overcome anger issues can be a real challenge sometimes. As the proverb says (Proverbs 19:19) – A man of great wrath will suffer punishment; For if you rescue him, you will have to do it again. – Even though there are consequences, long-term consequences, short-term fix, long-term consequences.

And while it may work to alter the behavior of the people around you, it also works to damage your relationship with those same people, as they live in fear of the angry person and the hurtful words spoken in their wrath, also known as verbal abuse.

It places other family members in an environment of oppression because they are being controlled by the hurtful, harmful words. It places them in a very difficult spot because on one hand, no one likes being controlled. On the other hand, hurtful words make it difficult for them to not respond with hurtful words of their own; or at least try to defend themselves if they feel they’re being misjudged. But then because of the anger issues, it only results in even more hurtful words being spoken. It’s an environment of oppression, plain and simple.

And it’s one reason why it’s outlawed in Scripture, even to the point of the angry person possibly losing their salvation because of it. It’s not something to take lightly. It’s serious.

Verbal abuse is a very serious matter. Scripture says (Proverbs 29:22) – An angry man stirs up strife, And a furious man abounds in transgression. – You’re not only sinning by hurting people, you’re abounding in transgression. – (Proverbs 15:18) – A wrathful man stirs up strife, but he who is slow to anger allays contention.

(Ecclesiastes 7:7-9) – Surely oppression destroys a wise man’s reason, And a bribe debases the heart.
⁸ The end of a thing is better than its beginning; The patient in spirit is better than the proud in spirit.
⁹ Do not hasten in your spirit to be angry, For anger rests in the bosom of fools. – Wow.

The deception is it seems to work. It seems to affect change in the environment around you, but Scripture says (Proverbs 22:8) – He who sows iniquity will reap sorrow, and the rod of his anger – will, will, – will fail.

Scripture says, “Those who practice strife will not inherit life.” While using hurtful words and anger may give that person what they want initially, there is a consequence to follow—the rod of the anger will fail.

You see, Yahweh does not want the people around you to change because they’re fearing what you, an angry person, may do to them or say to them. Yahweh wants the people around us to do the right thing out of their own free will and volition. And eventually the rod of anger will fail, and the house will fall, most of the time. And those who are being oppressed want to get away from the oppression.

This is not the way you lead people to righteousness. It’s not. (James 1:20) – Because the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of Elohim. – It doesn’t! It doesn’t help! That’s the problem with control, it doesn’t really work.

Your flesh is not going to bring the Spirit out in somebody, okay? It’s not going to cause someone to go, “Oh, well, all right, this is everything. Oh, well, your flesh, I’m impressed by your flesh. Let me now walk in the Spirit.” Flesh only provokes flesh. And so if you keep sowing anger and hurtful words to gain control, to gain what you want, it doesn’t help.

And so the problem with anger is it’s a form of control, okay? And I get it. You see someone doing wrong, it’s your natural tendency to want to see if that person stopped doing the wrong. Especially true if the wrong is being done to you, right? And that can lead to a desire to stop the other person more forcefully in some way through anger, through whatever.

And then if we have Scripture on our side to say, “Hey, you shouldn’t do that,” we may even feel more emboldened to impress that person into stopping what they’re doing. But seeking to control other people in your household, even if you think you have Scripture on your side, that doesn’t make your selfish motive really, you don’t want to have to endure other people’s problems, and it doesn’t sanctify your selfish motive, really. Even if you think you’re on the right side, because you’re just doing the same thing they are—walking in the flesh.

See, we want that person to stop doing the wrong, which is good, but trying to control them in person into it is where things go awry. And homes are destroyed usually by husband and wife trying to control each other, and then strife that comes out of that, two parents trying to control each other.

And even if each one thinks, “Oh, it’s for the greater good, this other person will change, and…“ It doesn’t work. It creates an atmosphere where the enemy reigns and cause your children to want to jump ship as soon as they can get out of there.

The truth is, there’s really only one person that you can completely control, and that’s yourself. And that’s a lifetime challenge. And only through having a right relationship with Yahushua and a willingness to walk in the Spirit can we control ourselves.

And it’s the desire to control other people, that’s how cults get started. You don’t really have to join a cult to be in one. You can have a cult going on right there in your own household. The husband could be controlling his wife, the wife could be controlling her husband.

When Yahushua saw the evils that were being done, He did not come down from heaven and seek to control us and force us to do all the right things. He sought to love us. He sought to set an example of love and service that would inspire us.

You see, the day will come when the entire world will be accountable to the commands of Yahweh, or they will suffer punishment, that’s true. But at this time, He’s calling people to willingly choose to be under His command, if that’s what he wants.

That’s what we need to want for other people and what we want for ourselves. It’s important that we as believers respect the fact that each one of us are individually Yahweh’s workmanship. Yes, Yahweh can use us to help each other in a way that builds up, in a way that encourages, not in a way that tears down, not in a way that controls.

Now, there are people in this world who are permitted by Yahweh to control other people— government authorities are permitted to control people by administering punishment to evil doers. There you go. Evil doers don’t want to go to prison, but they’re forced to do so. This only takes place, however, when a person’s inflicting serious harm on other people. They may go to prison, they may have to pay a fine, they may have to do community service. Yahweh has given that position to governmental authorities.

It says (Romans 13:4-6) – He is Elohim’s minister to you for good. But if you do evil, be afraid; for he does not bear the sword in vain; For he is Elohim’s minister, an avenger to execute wrath on him who practices evil.
⁵ Therefore, you must be subject, not only because of wrath but also for conscience’ sake.
⁶ For because of this you also pay taxes, for they are Elohim’s ministers, attending continually to this very thing.

And this job also, I will acknowledge, has been given to parents.

Deuteronomy chapter 8 verse 5 – You should know in your heart that as a man chastens his son, so Yahweh your Mighty One chastens you. – So, chastening is a part of the job as a parent.

Proverbs 29:15 – The rod and rebuke give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.

Proverbs 22:15 – Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; The rod of correction will drive it far from him. – So, He does grant parents the ability to control their children, and this is for their benefit, to instill in them good habits. Habits that will make it easier for them as adults to make the right choice.

But with that ability to control comes a tremendous responsibility to manage that control in a proper way. Sometimes children can really test our ability to walk in the Spirit. Maybe that’s why He made them so cute and precious.

But when it comes to parenting we must not only walk in the Spirit in terms of exhibiting gentleness, long-suffering, patience, and self-control. We also have to be very careful that we are wise judges that administer discipline and correction in ways that will correct behavior without damaging the relationship and damaging their hearts.

Like a surgeon you have to go in and use the sword of Yahweh’s Word to cut out the thorns, but not damage the heart. Not always easy. It’s important that parents use principles of righteous judgment when correcting and guiding their children. We have to be careful that we are not falsely accusing them of things that they’re not even doing.

Scripture says, “A false witness is someone who commits violence with their mouth.” It says (Proverbs 10:11) – The mouth of the righteous is a well of life, But violence covers the mouth of the wicked.

Proverbs 10:6 – Blessings are on the head of the righteous, But violence covers the mouth of the wicked.

Overall, in human relationships, it is a very oppressive thing when someone accuses you of things that are not true. It is. And even then spread that false accusation to other people and thereby sow discord among brethren. I’ve received quite a bit of that over the years.

Yahweh, He hates discord, He hates strife. The word translated “strife” is actually rooted in Hebrew word for “judge.” The contentious person is often judgmental in their attitudes and in their words.

I want to say this—in life overall, you might find that false accusation actually comes disguised as a friend. I’m serious—false accusation comes disguised as a friend. A friend that will protect you, protect you from harm. This is overall relationships, not just talking about parents and children. It comes disguised as a friend.

Here’s what happens. You’re a friend of somebody and all of a sudden you’re shocked by the character of that person who turns on you and hurts you. Well, this is what happens—that person who’s hurt resolves in their heart, “I’m not gonna be trusting people again like that. I’m not gonna be hurt again like that, that hurt.”

Well, that hurt person then views others with more suspicion. They are friends with a new person, they’re more suspicious of the person, and they’re quick to accuse if they see any fault or perceived fault.

Being quick to accuse means hasty accusations. It means that a proper and thorough evaluation is not done before determining a fault exists. The hasty accusations mean a proper thorough evaluation is not only done especially if that person believes, “Oh I’ve got this gift of discerning spirits.” And they think they have discerning spirits when really they’re just operating out of hurt, “I’m not gonna be hurt again.”

So what happens? An otherwise good relationship is destroyed. Because of the lack of trust which leads to false accusation, being quick to accuse, and a relationship is destroyed. That’s the problem—accusation comes disguised as a friend, but he’s the enemy because he destroys relationships. We cannot be quick to accuse. We have to be righteous judges.

Another motive for false accusation. A person has unresolved guilt in their heart or a poor sense of self-worth. So when that person is confronted with their wrong behavior, they “turn the tables,” they don’t have to feel that guilt. They don’t want to feel the guilt. It goes into their self-worth. And so they will turn the tables and deflect and thereby look for some fault in the other person who is trying to address the problem that they see in that person, and therefore a higher likelihood of hurling out accusations that are not true.

This happens in home life quite a bit. Most common during arguments. One person accuses the other person. They both get into accusing each other during this argument of things that are either half-truths or simply untrue, and therefore a lot of hurt and pain just gets spread all around.

In both instances that I’ve described to you, people are relying on oppression, or what Scripture will refer to as “verbal abuse, violence,” to resolve their inner feelings. Using the flesh to solve a problem does not solve the problem.

But regardless of the reason, the end result is sin. And sin can cause a person to come under judgment. Isaiah 30 verse 12 says – …Because you despise this word, And trust in oppression – trust in oppression – and perversity and rely on them,
¹³ Therefore this iniquity shall be to you Like a breach ready to fall, A bulge in a high wall, Whose breaking comes suddenly, in an instant.

A tendency to practice this in relationships with other adults can lead a person to also do the same thing with their own children. For example, the parent feels his or her authority is under question, and so they assert themselves by being quicker to accuse the child of wrongdoing, but without having proper proof. Or the parent is in a hurry or busy, and so they don’t take the time to properly evaluate the situation, so they falsely accuse and discipline the child without proper evidence.

These are the things that happen in parenting. Failing to practice proper principles of judgment results in false accusation, which Scripture calls “violence, violence toward your children, verbal abuse, violence.” It is the use of violence with our mouth to falsely accuse someone.

But we must be righteous, we must be fair in all matters of judgment. Scripture says Proverbs 17:15 – He who justifies the wicked, and he who condemns the just, Both of them are an abomination to Yahweh.

So our goal in our prayer is that we can take an unbiased look at all the information provided to us throughout life; and judge matters fairly, and judge matters righteously, not just in parenting, but in life.

We cannot allow the root of bitterness to impact how we judge. And that’s especially true when it comes to parenting, and even more true when it comes to parenting teenage children.

So here is some principles of righteous judgment I believe we need to use when it comes to judging people, including our own family members, including our children, including our friends, and including anyone that we are trying to determine right or wrong.

Number one. Scripture says multiple witnesses are needed to determine guilt. But be aware that unlike in ancient times, a false witness would go unpunished, and probably make a lot of money with their lives and books and media today, that’s what’s going on now (Deuteronomy 19:18-19). False witnesses are common among our generation, okay? But Scripture says we do need multiple witnesses. If you have one child telling on another child, they need more than one witness, okay? And you need to investigate and pray for Yahweh to show you what’s going on.

Don’t judge by appearance only. Judge righteous judgment, John 7:24.

Never assume guilt by association.

Both sides of each and every matter must be thoroughly investigated with equal diligence (Deuteronomy 19:18-19).

Don’t assume your suspicion is discerning of spirits. Be humble enough to acknowledge your suspicions do not equal guilt.

Be willing to accept the fact in some cases you cannot know whether someone is innocent or guilty. If the Heavenly Father wants you to know the answer, then He will provide the proof. He’ll do it.

If you can’t come to a conclusion, be willing to say “inconclusive,” or “not enough evidence to prove anything,” even if something doesn’t “seem right.” A pile of unproven suspicions adds up to zero proof.

Fear and anxiety and bitterness cannot have any influence on your verdict.

Respect of persons cannot have any influence on your verdict, whether you already view them as a bad person, good person, rich person, poor person, whatever. No respect of persons.

And be aware, each case must stand on its own with its own merits. Even if a person’s guilty of something the first time, it does not mean they’re guilty of it a second time.

These are basic principles of righteous judgment that all of us need to practice as believers. One day it will be our job to judge the world. And it’s our job to judge now.

Judgment begins in the household of Yahweh, right? So we need to be able to practice these principles of righteous judgment in our household, which helps us to develop that habit in other relationships as well.

A failure to do this results in many, many problems among us. A lot of people don’t realize how many problems they create.

But it’s one reason why some people believe in unproven conspiracy theories. Other people are more reserved. A failure to follow these principles results in broken and strained relationships among brethren, as believers judge each other without really having any proof.

It divides congregations when certain people are disfellowshipped without proper proof. It results in contention between husbands and wives as the husband and wife cut each other and judge each other, only to have the children bleed.

It results in hurt and confused children who are subjected to the abuse of false accusations and harsh judgments, and yet are defenseless and powerless to do anything about it as they are punished for things they never did.

Now probably all parents have misjudged situations at times. And we want to believe that we do our very best to judge matters correctly and rightly. And sometimes it can be a real challenge.

But there are some parents who do not exhibit proper principles of righteous judgment because they lack the fear of Elohim. Some parents mistreat their children by intimidation. They see the verses in the Bible that give them permission to spank their children, and they use those verses to beat up rather than train up their children in the training and admonition of Yahweh.

Listen, if our only training technique is, “I’m bigger than you, that’s why,” that’s nothing more than bullying. It’s oppressing the children rather than training them.

If our training involves the out-yelling, out-intimidating, out-angering our children, we’re actually training them to walk in the flesh by our own example. We’re training them. We’re always training them. Always.

It’s just what you’re training them to do. I’ve heard it said “More is caught than taught.” If our training involves anger, if our children have anger issues, go check the mirror for a minute, please, and see whether or not they’re learning it from you. Again, (James 1:20) – …the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of Elohim. – I think probably all of us have been guilty of getting angry from time to time or irritated, but that’s what leads to verbal abuse. Anger. That’s what leads to corrupt words proceeding out of our mouths.

Yahweh says (Ephesians 4:29-32) – Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers. – No corrupt word. None. Zero. Zilch. None.

All children fail. Listen, all children are going to fail. Period. Even we adult children fail. And we should not take it personally, okay? Look, we’re all work in progress. Your children are going to mess up. It’s part of growing up, right? What you signed up for. When you decided that you’re going to have children—part of the program, they come to you completely self-centered, and it’s our job to place boundaries in their life.

But if we’re oppressing in our parenting, we’re not only in violation of the Torah, which says (Leviticus 19:13a) – You shall not oppress your neighbor…, we’re also endangering ourselves, because Yahushua said (Matthew 18:10) – Take heed that you do not despise one of these little ones, for I say to you that in heaven their angels always see the face of My Father who is in heaven.

Whoa. What’s this mean here, to despise? In the Greek, it’s the word “kataphroneo” – “to despise, to disdain, to think little or nothing of.” Consider them to be, “Oh, it’s just a kid, just a child.” It’s actually a compound word meaning “to think down.” In other words, think of them as being little and unimportant and beneath you and lower than you, and you think of yourself as being better.

But here’s a lesson for anyone who treats their children as though they’re beneath them. Yahushua actually said, it should be our goal, really, actually, to attain to their level. Yahushua said (Matthew 10:15) – ”Assuredly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of Elohim as a little child will by no means enter it.”

(Mark 9:36-37) – Then He took a little child and set him in the midst of them. And when He had taken him in His arms, He said to them,
³⁷ “Whoever receives one of these little children in My name receives Me; and whoever receives Me, receives not Me but Him who sent Me. – So you receive one of these little children in Yahushua’s name, you’re receiving Yahushua Himself. He said so.

Children are the most vulnerable in society. And it’s quite easy for adults to oppress them with no apparent consequence on earth.

But we see that Yahweh is watching, recording, following you around, recording everything. The angels are following you around, recording what’s going on. Their angels, the little child’s angels, are always seeing the face of Yahweh in heaven.

See, adults know how easy it is to take advantage of a child because they have less knowledge, they’re weak, they have trusting nature about them. Fatherless children especially are vulnerable and taken advantage of. In fact, statistics show fatherless children are 33 times more likely to be seriously abused.

And that fatherless children are 73 times more likely to be fatally abused. There’s no man there to protect them. And mothers are vulnerable to men coming in their lives who don’t really care for the children. They take boyfriends in, men who are often irresponsible and only interested in intercourse. And because they’re perverse, they mistreat or they abuse the children. How many times do you read in the newspaper? The boyfriend was the one guilty of killing the child.

If you’re a single mother, you need to really be in close communication with Yahweh as to who He will lead you to be married to. Because there are men out there who may look like sheep on the outside and seem great with children, but they’re predators and your children are their true target. We live in an evil world where children are viewed as easy and vulnerable prey by such wolves in sheep’s clothing. As I shared in the first segment, a person’s character really comes out when they have power.

And as I shared in the last segment, how one acts in those circumstances can cause Yahweh to bring judgment upon them. He says (Exodus 22:21-23) – You shall neither mistreat a stranger nor oppress him, – They’re at a disadvantage. – for you were strangers in the land of Egypt.
²² You shall not afflict any widow or fatherless child. – They’re at disadvantage. –
²³ If you afflict them in any way, and they cry at all to Me, I will surely hear their cry. – If you’re a fatherless child, you’re in special status. If you’re a widow, you’re in special status. That Yahweh says if you cry it out to Him, He will hear your cry.

Why does Yahweh care so much for the fatherless and for the widow? Because they’re vulnerable. Why does He care for the stranger? They’re vulnerable, this is not their nation. This is why He cares for our children, because they’re vulnerable. So to verbally oppress them as a way of afflicting them, He will hear their cry, if we’re allowing ourselves to engage in various forms of abuse.

It was the oppression of the Israelites in Egypt to cause Yahweh to bring them out of Egypt into the Promised Land. It’s the oppression of the enemy Satan, the devil, that caused Yahweh to send His own Son Yahushua the Messiah to redeem all of us from the devouring and destructive ways he was leading us to.

It’s a characteristic of the enemy to prey on the weak, seeking to oppress. It’s a characteristic of the Messiah Yahushua and those who follow Him to be a help to those who are weak and oppressed and seeking to deliver them. And so we need to be Messiah-like in our character, our attitudes.

You know in the Torah it says even the slaves who are oppressed would be allowed to go free. There was no oppressive slavery permitted in Israel. The one who escaped, He says – do not give him back to his master, (Deuteronomy 23:15-16) – that slave who has escaped from his master to you.
¹⁶ He may dwell with you in your midst, in the place which he chooses within one of your gates, where it seems best to him; you shall not – you shall not – oppress him.

It says (Deuteronomy 24:14-15) – You shall not oppress a hired servant who is poor and needy, whether one of your brethren or one of the aliens who is in your land within your gates.
¹⁵ Each day you shall give him his wages, and not let the sun go down on it, for he is poor and has set his heart on it; lest he cry out against you (to Yahweh) and it be sin to you.

He doesn’t want people taking advantage of the weak. And really this is a huge subject in Torah.

He brings it up often in the Prophets also—a person could be a feast keeper, he could otherwise look to be a righteous person, but if he’s in the business of oppressing other people, forget it. If he’s oppressing people in his care, forget it.

Isaiah chapter 1 verse 13 says – Bring no more futile sacrifices; Incense is an abomination to Me. The New Moons, the Sabbaths and the calling of assemblies, I cannot endure iniquity and the sacred meeting. – Can’t handle it. –
¹⁴ Your New Moons and your appointed feasts My soul hates; They’re a trouble to Me, I am weary of bearing them.
¹⁵ When you spread out your hands, I will hide My eyes from you; Even though you make many prayers, I will not hear. Your hands are full of blood.

Scripture says (Ephesians 6:4) – And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of Yahweh.

I think we missed a verse. But the rest of Isaiah 1 actually says
¹⁶ Wash yourselves, make yourselves clean; Put away the evil of your doings from before My eyes. Cease to do evil,
¹⁷ Learn to do good; Seek justice, – and then He says – Rebuke the oppressor, Defend the fatherless, Plead for the widow.

That was their sin. It was that they were not addressing the problem of abuse, that’s why He hated their festivals. Isaiah 1:17, look it up.

It wasn’t that they were even failing to walk in those righteous principles of justice toward their own children. It said they were failing to rebuke the ones who were oppressing other people.

See, if Yahweh is upset that people are not taking care of other people’s wives and children, the man has deceased, and therefore there’s this widow and fatherless children there, He’s really concerned that the leaders are not rising up and taking care of this abusive situation over here, how much more would He be displeased if we’re oppressing our own family members?

And so He says – we often bring up this Scripture “Children obey your parents, this is right,” okay? That’s true, but we have a job to do here too. (Ephesians 6:4) – And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, – that’s a command, – but bring them up in the training and admonition of Yahweh.

Well, what provokes children to wrath? Same thing it provokes anyone to wrath—a harsh word. A harsh word (Proverbs 15:1). The word in Hebrew here, translated “harsh word,” is the Hebrew word “ʻetseb” {eh’-tseb} (H6089). This is the same word family of the one we looked at last week where Yahweh was hurt by the violence that’s in the earth.

And so, saying things to your children that cause pain in their heart, cause them to feel rejection, that wound them—that are hurtful words. And especially certain words like what I call “identity statements,” okay?

Now your child may fail at something, but don’t ever call them “a failure.” Your child may do something wrong, but don’t give them an identity statement saying this is what you are, okay?

Identity statements especially can create wounds so deep they’re tormented for the rest of their lives. You know, it only takes a few seconds to say it, but the wounds can last a lifetime.

Now daughters are especially prone to being hurt because, well, both genders can be hurt, but females are built to be more sensitive. And sometimes we as fathers, we don’t realize it. We don’t realize something said hurts. We just have to trust that when they’re reacting to our words and it appears to hurt them, that we are not being sensitive enough in terms of how we are speaking to them.

If any of our correction toward our children has done such a way that says, “Child, I reject you and I hate you for doing this to me” you’re operating in the flesh. This is not about you. It’s not about you. You cannot take your child’s disobedience personally. It’s not a personal thing. It’s a flesh thing. It’s an enemy thing. It’s a tough-to-overcome-temptation-sometimes thing.

Don’t take their disobedience personally, and then react out of that personal hurt. Don’t correct them in a way that says, “Oh, you’re inconveniencing me. Oh, you’re embarrassing me.” It’s not about you.

And that’s where the flesh gets involved in the discipline. All children need training, all of them are naturally self-centered. The way it is. Foolishness is bound up in their heart, right? Scripture says so.

We have to teach them to have boundaries. So when they fail and they make a mistake, it’s not something to get angry about or upset about—it happens, it’s normal. Don’t take it personally.

And so don’t react in a way that reflects like it’s a personal slight. Don’t assume it’s intended to be. And if it is intended to be, realize that yes, children, foolishness is bound up in their heart and we just have this job of trying to resolve that in their hearts.

So if our correction is not done in a spiritual way, but it’s done in a way that’s carnal—that’s a work of the flesh, we need to understand we are sowing things in the hearts of our children that we may very well one day reap. Because we’re setting an example. And more is caught than taught, most of the time.

(Galatians 6:7-8) – Do not be deceived, Elohim is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he also will reap.
⁸ For he who sows to his flesh will of the flesh reap corruption, but he who sows to the Spirit will of the Spirit reap everlasting life.

The reaping may not show up when they’re little children, the reaping may show up when they’re in their teenage years.

See, the correction will not necessarily be effective in changing the heart if the correction is done in a carnal way. And actually the context of that verse there in Galatians is in reference to correcting other people. We need to apply that principle in how we correct our own children.

If our correction is done in a spiritual way with love and acceptance and humility, actually, correction can be a very spiritual exercise. And the same is true in how we correct one another as believers in the faith. It can be a very spiritual exercise.

Because, listen. The world sometimes, okay, they discipline their children in an abusive way, and there’s laws that passed against it. The reason why the laws against spanking and things like that are more prevalent nowadays, is because spanking has often been done in an abusive way. But if we are disciplining our children in a way that is not harmful, it doesn’t hurt the heart, it addresses the problem, and it doesn’t damage the heart, then it can be a beautiful thing.

But if correction is done in a carnal and a fleshly way, then that’s often going to be interpreted by the child as hate. And we don’t want that. We want correction to be something beautiful.

Scripture says (Proverbs 25:12) – Like an earring of gold and an ornament of fine gold is a wise rebuker to an obedient ear. – And so sometimes we need to lean on the older generation for help in certain situations. It says (Titus 2:3-5) – the older women likewise, that they be reverent in behavior, not slanderers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things–
⁴ that they admonish the young women to – what? – love their husbands, to love their children,
⁵ to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of Elohim may not be blasphemed.

And so this is where accountability can come in, and help keep a parent’s behavior toward their children from deteriorating into forms of abuse when you have older women helping the younger, older men helping the younger. And those of you who have raised children, you’ve had success, you need to be willing to help us younger whippersnappers out there, right? From making some of the mistakes that, you know, we can avoid. I’ve made mistakes as a father. I’ve made mistakes as a husband. I can share experiences with people. I’m not done raising children yet, but I’ve learned some things I wish I had known 30 years ago when I started raising children.

But the older can encourage the younger to love their children. Since the older has life experience, they can teach the younger the lessons they learned along the way as parents. And so if you’re a young parent, seek out older folks who’ve been down that road.

And it will help the situation from deteriorating, getting worse and worse and worse, okay? Because what happens is, when we get in the flesh, that our heart isn’t in the right place. And when our heart’s not in the right place, our mouth isn’t doing the right thing either. Because out of the mouth, the heart speaks.

And our tongue will be exposed for what it really is, it says (James 3:7-9) – For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and creature of the sea, is tamed and has been tamed by mankind.
⁸ But no man can tame the tongue. It’s an unruly evil, full of deadly poison. – Life and death in the power of the tongue. –
⁹ With it, we bless our Mighty One and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in the similitude of Elohim. – Can’t do that, you can’t do that.

We can’t tame the tongue, we can only change the heart—and then out of the heart good things will come.

What does it mean to curse men? Ever wonder what that means, cursing people? There’s actually an example in 2 Samuel 16 verse 5. It says – Now when King David came to Bahurim, there was a man from the family of the house of Saul, whose name was Shimei, the son of Gerah, coming from there. He came out, cursing continually as he came.
⁶ And he threw stones at David and at all the servants of King David. And all the people and all the mighty men were on his right hand and on his left.
⁷ Also Shimei said thus when he cursed: “Come out! Come out! You bloodthirsty man, you rogue! – That word translated “rogue” in Hebrew is “son of Belial.” So he’s cursing him. He’s cursing David. It says –
⁸ “Yahweh has brought upon you all the blood of the house of Saul, in whose place you have reigned; and Yahweh has delivered the kingdom into the hand of Absalom your son. So now you are caught in your own evil, because you are a bloodthirsty man!” – Shimei resorted to what we would consider to be name-calling. Calling David a “bloodthirsty man,” “a son of Belial,” “a man who was caught in his own evil.” He said Yahweh was punishing him for his bloodthirsty ways.

Now a curse can be based on something false or it can be based on something true. Yahweh did say in Deuteronomy 27:26 – ‘Cursed is the one who does not confirm all the words of this law by observing them.’ And all the people shall say, ‘Amen!’

Yahushua, by definition, even cursed the scribes and Pharisees. (Matthew 23:33-35) – Serpents, brood of vipers! How can you escape the condemnation of hell?
³⁴ Therefore, indeed, I send you prophets, wise men, and scribes: some of them you will kill and crucify, and some you will scourge in your synagogues and persecute from city to city,
³⁵ that on you may come all the righteous blood shed on the earth, from the blood of righteous Abel to the blood of Zechariah, son of Berechiah, whom you murdered between the temple and the altar. – Wow!

Now if Yahweh or Yahushua speaks a curse then Yahweh cursing the serpent, you know, or Yahushua cursing the Pharisees or Yahweh cursing the ground, it’s based on something true.

Truth be told we’re all under a curse. Truth be told we have not observed every word of the law. But truth be told Yahushua redeemed us from the curse, having become a curse for us, right? And we praise Yahweh for that.

But a problem arises when men, who are not in authority over each other, begin to curse each other. Or a parent speaks word curses over their own children.

What’s a word curse? I’m going to share with you some things that are considered to be word curses, okay?

Word curses would be “You’ll never amount to anything.” That’s a big one right there. That one I’ve heard in the counseling office many times. “Well, you’re worthless” or “Can’t you do anything right?” or “I wish you were never born” or “You’re stupid” or “You are a mistake” or “You’ll never do this, this, this, this, this, this.” These, brothers and sisters, are word curses.

Either identity statements, this is who you are—“you’re stupid,” “you’re a mistake,” these are identity statements, this is you are creating an identity for your child by saying these things. Or you are saying something prophetic about them—“you’ll never change,” “You can’t do anything right,” “You’ll never this,” You’ll never that.”

And I’m here to tell you: that is verbal abuse, that will in all likelihood greatly affect how that child will view themselves and how they fit into this world. And then every time that child does something wrong, that inner voice, that thing that you said, that hurtful thing you said, is brought up again. Never ever ever say these kind of things to your children. I don’t care how awful their behavior is never say it ever or anything like it.

I know a man who he’s arguing with his 20-something year old son. He told his adult son he told him at the end of the argument, he said, “Go to hell.” A few days later he was dead. Work accident. Talk about regret.

You are the parent of that child and the enemy wants to do anything he can to get a foothold and get a hold of that child. Do not do that to your children. We are not in the place of Elohim. We need to be very careful how we word things. It will not motivate your child to do the right thing.

Very few children rise up out of the piles of condemnation to please their parents. You’re only teaching them hate. You’re teaching them to hate you. You’re teaching them to hate themselves, and when they grow up with that self-hatred it can be very damaging. You’re teaching them to hate themselves, to hate the one that Yahweh Himself loves. To hate the one that Yahushua died for while we were yet sinners. Yahushua loved us first and gave His life for us.

We must not hate ourselves. We may hate some of the things that we do, such as when we do wrong. But we must have a certain amount of love for ourself and we must have a certain amount of self-love. I mean I’m not saying selfish love, but love in the sense that I’m a creation of Yahweh, or we really don’t have any reference point to love anybody else.

(Leviticus 19:18) – ‘It says you shall not take vengeance, nor bear any grudge against the children of your people, but you shall love your neighbor as yourself… – Now that’s different than being self-centered, okay? As it says here (2 Timothy 3:1-4) – …the last days perilous times will come:
² For men will be lovers of themselves… – Well, what’s the difference?

Well, we see in the Torah that the measure by which we love others is how we love ourselves. But if we have no love for ourself it can pose a real problem. Now you can have “love yourself” to the point where you become self-centered and prideful, and that’s a problem.

So on the one hand, if you don’t love yourself at all you have no measuring stick by which you can love another person; but on the other hand, if you’re choosing to love yourself so much that you become self-centered and there’s no room for loving Yahweh or loving another person, then it does become sinful.

So you don’t want to love yourself so much you really don’t even care about anybody else, but if you really love yourself as you should, you’d recognize to be self-centered would to be self-hatred, really! Because to be self-centered is to depart from Yahweh and His ways. And to depart from Yahweh and His ways is basically to bring yourself to judgment on that final day. And so really it’s self-hatred.

So pride and arrogance, haughtiness and selfishness, we don’t do those things. But we at the same time need to have a sense of worth, a sense of value.

We should never feel as though we’re unworthy of being loved by Yahweh or being loved for another person. Because while we were yet sinners Yahushua still died for us. We’re all worthy of being loved by Yahweh and being loved by another person. But self-hatred comes in, and you teach your child to hate himself, you utter these word curses to them, it’s oppressive and verbally abusive.

Don’t say to your child, “If you do this wrong that bad thing is going to happen to you.” Don’t say that. You’re using a prophetic word to curse them, okay?

Now you can say, “If you do this wrong thing that’s more likely a bad thing could happen to you, there could be consequences for that.” That’s fine, while the sowing and reaping, okay, sometimes, okay.

But sometimes Yahushua takes that for us, right? I haven’t reaped everything I’ve sown. Yahushua bore some of the things I deserve to reap.

We’ve been given grace, and that’s what we really want for our children, isn’t it? We want grace for them. They are children, they will make mistakes. It’s our job to instill good habits in their life. And we cannot choose for them whether they will serve Yahweh until their dying day. We can’t make that choice for them. We can only help them to have good habits, habits that will make it easier for them as adults to make the right choice.

And while you’re trying to instill habits of good character and upright conduct, don’t cause them to have to earn your love. Never does a child have to earn your love or earn your acceptance. You accept them where they are, you love them where they are. And then in an environment of love and acceptance, they will be most effectively mentored to make good choices.

Don’t say things like, “Well, if you don’t brush your teeth, your teeth are gonna rot out.” Say, “We want to take good care of our teeth because Yahweh only gave us one set. And so we want to reduce our risk of losing them.” Hear the difference? One is pronouncing doom and gloom, cursing them. And the other is giving them adequate instruction, warning of potential consequences.

And so we don’t want to word curse our children. We can present possible risks without declaring it will happen. You see, the enemy is a lawyer. Satan’s a lawyer. He’s always looking for legal ground to attack our children, just like he was seeking to accuse Job. He’s looking for reasons to accuse us and accuse or attack our children.

Don’t give the enemy any legal ground to work with. You pronounce these word curses over your children, you can do possibly just that. Your children, all of us really, need all the grace we can get from Yahweh. It’s gonna be hard enough for our children to survive the trials of this life and hopefully one day enter eternal life. We don’t want to do anything to make it any harder than it already is.

We want to be stepping stones, not stumbling blocks. We want our children to have a healthy sense of self-worth, because Yahushua thought we were worth the price of His own blood. And so we want to raise our children in such a way that reflects that reality.

Remember, we have a human soul in our hands, given to us by Yahweh to nurture, to teach, to love, to nourish, to show the love of Yahushua to. We have to think long-term—“How will my actions affect them as adults?” You’re not really raising children, you’re raising adults. Because when you’re done, they’re gonna be adults.

Of all the human beings on the planet, Yahweh gave you, and as a parent, complete control over a human life. A person who was beautifully and wonderfully made in His image, in His likeness. And that child is of such high value, Yahushua gave His life for them.

And so, to mistreat them or hurt their precious little hearts, is to endanger our own selves, because Yahweh is watching.

(Matthew 18:10) – Take heed that you do not think little of these little ones, for I say to you that in heaven their angels always see the face of My Father who is in heaven. – Yahweh knows the impact you will make on the soul He created. And that is why He’s watching so closely.

You need to be able to rule your own spirit. If you can’t, seek counseling. Seek counseling. Seek Yahweh. Seek accountability. Be honest. Be honest with your counselor: “I’m having a struggle with this.”

This child is a soul for whom Yahweh gave His only begotten Son. Will you lead them please to Yahushua? Will you set the example Yahushua set, please? Will you show forth your love to them? No more hurtful words, just love.

(1 Corinthians 13:1-8) – Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but I have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal.
² And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.
³ And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing.
⁴ Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself; is not puffed up;
⁵ does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked; thinks no evil;
⁶ does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth;
⁷ bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
⁸ Love never fails.

Brothers and sisters, this is your one chance to show that kind of love to the next generation. Will you build His house or will you tear it down with your hands?

I say build His home. Build His home, build up His house.

(1 Chronicles 28:10) – Consider now, for Yahweh has chosen you to build a house for the sanctuary; – of His Holy Spirit. We need to – be strong, – stand against the wiles of the devil – and do it.

And whether you build or whether you tear down has a lot to do with what comes out of this mouth right here. (Proverbs 18:21) – Death and life are in the power of the tongue…

So I’m calling on all men, all parents, all women, all fathers, all mothers, all husbands, all wives, and my own self: give life.

And if you know you haven’t been, take the time right now. Come to your children in repentance and humility, because love is not puffed up. And let the healing begin.

And then seek counseling. Seek to be willingly accountable to your counselor and let no corrupt word come out of your mouth. And if it does, why don’t you write it down in a logbook, “Today I allowed a corrupt word to come out of my mouth.” And just keep yourself accountable. Because I’m here to tell you, your children’s hearts are already a logbook. And if you allow words of life to now be in that book, yes, former pages can just kind of dissipate. And they may not have any significance anymore because of the life that you’re now pouring into them.

But pour life into the hearts of your children. Pour life into the hearts of all relationships, all people that you’re around. And walk in love.

Let’s pray.

O Father Yahweh, in the name of Yahushua Ha-Mashiach, we thank You for the words of love that You’ve given us. We know, Father Yahweh, even Your admonishments are love. Even Your corrections are love, to guide us into the way of life.

And we pray, Father Yahweh, in the name of Yahushua, if there’s anyone within the sound of my voice who is convicted by their words, they’ve spoken to their children today, they will come to their children in humility, in love, and hold them, and love them, and apologize to them.

And that we all pray together right now, for each individual who’s struggling in this area, Father Yahweh, that You would impart to them life.

And sometimes they speak these words, because those are the words they heard when they were children. And they don’t know what else to say. They don’t know what else to do. Father, I pray You give them answers, alternative things to say, alternative things to do, to build, to strengthen, to pour life.

For Father, we want these children who see Your face continually, their angels see Your face continually, we want them to be Your children all the days of their lives. That we all might be in this awesome presence of You, our King, forever and ever together. All to the praise of Your glory.

May Your name be glorified in all that we do. For truly Yours is the Kingdom, and the power, and the glory, forever and ever. In Yahushua’s great name we pray, amein.