Shalom! I missed last week’s post, with so many things swirling around to do, I kept putting it off! Yikes! Procrastination is not good, but that’s for another entry!
Today we touch on selfishness. This can be a tough one, since we are taught from an early age, lots of examples of being selfish. Usually, it’s connected with undesirable choices that do not benefit anyone but us.
It’s difficult to label selfishness, since it’s so much a part of our western culture. After all, isn’t that how we can really take care of ourselves?
Selfishness as a Spectrum
If you think of selfishness as a spectrum, it’s much easier to grasp the idea that we are all selfish, to a degree. Most of us would pipe in where we are unselfish and how we put ourselves on the back burner constantly, and though I think that would be the mainstream thought, it’s not as we think.
I think the best picture to illustrate this is with a thermometer, where the more selfish we are, the higher the reading. We all start life selfish. It’s natural to think of ourselves first because that’s all we are aware of. As we grow and learn that there is a world around us, others – usually parents – teach and train us to think of others also. Living around other people also teaches us to think of others instead of ourselves. Mothers can relate to that instantly because they tend to put their children before themselves in just about everything.
By the time we reach adulthood, we have a grapple on what it means to be selfish (me first and me only) and unselfish (others first, sometimes others only). As followers of the Messiah, that level of unselfishness increases, as outlined in the Torah. There is one noted detail about that. Torah doesn’t teach us to think of others instead of ourselves, but others as well as ourselves.
Understanding the Connection
The connection to understanding our own selfishness is also the key to understanding everyone’s selfishness, to a degree. As adults, we expect other adults to exhibit a mature level of unselfishness as we interact with each other. We practice taking turns (talking, waiting, etc.) and we respect each other’s moments in conversation. We also understand that children have not reached that level and are in training to learn how to share, not just things, but time, chores, and attention.
An Example of Selfishness
Imagine you are in the grocery store in a long line up, waiting to check out your items. If another adult came into the line, near the front, everyone behind that individual would protest (either out loud or in their hearts) about their selfish action. If a child did the same, adults may redirect the child to the back of the line.
Now, let’s say that adult is impatient and complains, or maybe rude to the ones in front of the line. Most of us would almost immediately judge or grade that person as selfish because they are thinking of themselves. After all, don’t they know the etiquette of lines?
A Less Obvious Example
Taking selfishness closer to home. Let’s say you had company last night and they left the dessert for the family to share. It’s your absolutely favorite dessert. There’s enough for your family if you split the pieces in half. You go ahead and cut it, but some of the pieces are bigger.
Selfishness would dictate that you deserve the bigger piece. It would also dictate that you might deserve to treat yourself to all of it. Forget about the rest of the family. If they don’t know the dessert is there, selfishness would justify taking it all.
Making the Connection
Living in western culture, we have unconsciously accepted selfishness as a way to justify getting what we want, when we want, how we want it. That would be all of us (me included). It’s so easy to be selfish because we’ve had it all our lives. Selfishness is always around us, in the form of food, clothes, things, attention, etc.
When we understand that everyone thinks similar, and though we are working on being unselfish (like our Savior), there are (and will be) times when we give in to that selfishness, even in the smallest areas of our life.
Does that mean we should assume everyone is selfish? Are you including yourself in that category?
As I was living this life lesson, it occurred to me that selfishness doesn’t evaporate as we mature. It only minimizes in our lives. Why? Well, it all boils down to choice.
The Key to Change
Selfishness is an ongoing battle.
What we choose to do about it daily exhibits our maturity in the Messiah. There may be areas in our lives that we are totally unselfish, but if in our hearts we grumble about it, we are being selfish to a degree.
It is impossible to be completely unselfish all the time. Besides, when will it be our turn to enjoy life’s little luxuries?
This is where Torah steps in and clears a lot of the misconceptions of being unselfish. Torah teaches us to include others as well as ourselves. If life is good and we are being blessed, then we share the blessing. We don’t keep it to ourselves, but we don’t exclude ourselves either. We share with others.
That may sound easy enough, but putting it into practice isn’t exactly easy. Sure, we may share the first-fruits of our garden or the overflowing abundance of what we have, and that, too, is a good start. Choosing to include others is the key to change. It may be sharing our time, our projects, etc.
Personal Example
At this point, I am still hesitant to share (because I don’t like being reminded of my shortcomings), but I have always had a struggle with sharing my time. My time is MY TIME. Yahweh has thoroughly worked me over on this one, though.
Being the full-time volunteer manager at the thrift and grocery store, I have been interrupted every time I set out to do something. It didn’t have to be for me, just something I set out to do. This included my breaks and lunch. As soon as I would sit to eat, I would be interrupted (multiple times) to go do something else. Now, isn’t that to be expected at the thrift store? Yes, I answer, meekly, but it’s my lunch!
If I am taking a break to unwind, someone seems to be sent by Yahweh to come to talk to me for my entire break! Come on, Yahweh! I just want to take a break! Yes, He knows. He also knows that my time is still a selfish component for me and Yah is making sure that I grow in this area!
At the time of this post, I have grown accustomed to being interrupted every time I think about moving forward with using my time. I no longer feel so possessive over it, though I still have my days. I have learned to include others in my time usage, wholeheartedly. Yahweh is now giving me some free space (and time!) to pursue my projects.
Conclusion
All of us have a degree of selfishness that we still struggle with on a daily basis. Selfishness is when we think of ourselves, not only first, but the only one we need to cater towards. As we mature, we learn to be more unselfish and give others a change — and some space — to be included or go before ourselves.
Torah also teaches us the best way to be unselfish: to include others as well as ourselves. Choosing is the key to changing the level of selfishness in our lives. Choose to include others as well as yourself!
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