(Originally written 10/21/2022.)
Forgive & Forget: Two Different Concepts
I don’t think so. I know I wouldn’t base on that perception of forgiveness. The perpetrator walks, while the victim suffers. Not my idea of forgiveness. Forgiveness isn’t a blanket concept; one way fits all circumstances.
This “forgive and forget” concept has meshed forgiveness and reconciliation together. However, the two words are two separate concepts, two separate decisions, two separate actions.
Forgiveness Defined
Forgiveness is a one-sided decision. The victim decides to forgive, meaning, they decide to not seek revenge, vengeance, or payback of any kind from the offender. If you think forgiveness falls under an easy decision, let me assure you, it is NOT. It takes time to process and choose to forgive. This action defines choice more than feeling. By choosing to forgive, you choose to release your right to retribution. You choose to relent on anger, bitterness, and hatred towards the offender. (Allow me to interrupt here. I clarify that this choice of release separates the feelings and emotions from the judgment of consequences. The teenager that stole your money will be held responsible to return it, but you choose not to be hateful towards him/her for the rest of his/her life.)
It’s a choice to overcome, to choose to forgive. The longer you hold on, the less a desire is to forgive, and the stronger the vulnerability. This opens a door to negative thoughts with similar emotions to continue to contribute to that overwhelming feeling of “I can’t forgive.”
(Thoughts from Saige’s Journal, 2016)
Reconciliation (The Forgetting Part)
Reconciliation, on the other hand, takes two. An agreement from both parties to reconcile the relationship. Casual, professional, or intimate, it doesn’t matter. Agreement must occur for reconciliation to unfold in their lives.
If the offender feels ready to reconcile, but the victim refuses, the offender must wait until the victim is ready. The key factor here illustrates broken trust. Therefore, a damaged relationship delays reconciliation.
(You don’t mind saying hi to the teenager after the incident.
You prefer to keep your distance to avoid further incidents.
That teenager broke your trust and will have to wait until you are ready to reconcile.)
Reconciliation doesn’t reinstate trust immediately. It only allows opportunities for the offender to build your trust in them again. For the more serious offenses, that may take years to happen.
Trust is earned, not given.
A New Look at Forgive & Forget
So does the “forgive and forget” annul itself?
Isolate the phrase to the forgiving decision process.
To forgive the offender means to release any obligations of retribution.
As the thought returns (often), the person who chooses to forgive reaffirms (inwardly).
The reaffirmation agrees with forgiveness and releases the thought.
In time, they choose to forget about it and think about other things.
The next time you feel the pain of an offense, remember, it’s not what most think.
When someone throws you the phrase “forgive and forget”, inform them: it’s not what they think.
Forgiveness takes one.
Reconciliation takes two.
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