Abuse: How do We Solve It? – Part 3/5

This time in the broadcast, we’re going to go ahead and share our study portion. We are now into part three of the study on abuse.

And this is the one I feel we need to really pay really close attention to, which of course part two and part one as well, but the one that a lot of families seem to struggle with the most might be part three. And has to do with marriages, has to do with abuse in marriages, and how we resolve that, you know.

So many people struggle with this very thing, and we’re going to talk today about verbal abuse between husband and wife; either coming from the husband to the wife, or from the wife to the husband. Yes, I believe wives can be just as verbally abusive as husbands. In fact, really it’s not always a matter of gender, it’s just a matter of, well sometimes it’s, you know, one partner tends to be more wordy, you know, more verbal than the other.

And so the one that’s more verbal might have more verbal intelligence in terms of being able to put things into words, and the other maybe not so much.

But through it all it’s just anger. Usually the one with a stronger, more expressive personality tends to use their words in hurtful ways. Not always. Sometimes the quieter, less expressive spouse can administer very deep, very thoughtful, very calculated, painful words with their tongue. And actually they’re more likely to be believable, rather than just someone, you know, spouting off of the mouth, which they might be known to do that already.

But the more expressive spouse is usually the one, I’m not speaking always, I’m saying usually the one has difficulty controlling their words. They’re used to being very verbal. But either way, when the husband cuts the wife, or the wife cuts the husband, it hurts and damages the children.

And the husband-wife relationship is supposed to be a representation of Yahushua and the bride. Husbands are called to love their wives, to nourish and cherish them. Wives are called to reverence their husbands and submit to them as if they were submitting to Yahweh Himself.

So, first of all, we’re going to do a recap here. Number one, our part one of the study series, we talked about the importance of accountability as a way to resolve abuse. We talked about the English and Hebraic definitions of abusive behavior. We talked about the danger of someone being given absolute power. And how Yahweh hates it when we take advantage of another person’s disadvantage. And Yahweh Himself is hurt when we choose to hurt and abuse others. And we talked about violence can actually be committed with our mouths through bearing false witness or falsely accusing someone is actually considered to be a type of violence that hurts Yahweh Himself.

And then part two, we did an examination of the sin of verbal abuse toward children. How, if we’re unable to rule our own spirit, we’re vulnerable to saying things we should not say; that also applies to verbal abuse toward our spouse. Practicing outbursts of wrath actually can keep us from salvation. And how anger is a form of control, which changes our children’s behavior at first, but damages their hearts and cannot produce the righteousness of Elohim. And how false accusation presents itself as a friend, but it destroys relationships. We also did an examination of the principles of righteous judgment. Taking advantage of the weak and vulnerable is a spiritually dangerous activity. How hurtful words provoke our children to wrath. The danger of word curses spoken to children and others. And the importance of building up self-worth in children, teaching them to love themselves so they will have a reference point to love their neighbors as themselves. And that’s we looked at in part one and two.

So, our husband and wife relationship is called to be a representation of Yahushua and the assembly, the congregation, the people. That’s what it’s supposed to be pictured. And that is supposed to be a witness to our children and a witness to the world we live in. Ephesians 5:25 says – Husbands, love your wives, just as Messiah also loved the church – or the congregation – and gave Himself for her.

(Ephesians 5:22) – Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Master.
²³ For the husband is the head of the wife, as also Messiah is the head of the assembly; and He is the Savior of the body.
²⁴ Therefore, just as the assembly is subject to Messiah, so let the wives be to their own husbands in – Some things? No – everything. – Right? Unless your husband, of course, tells you to disobey Yahweh.

So, if the husband is verbally abusing his wife rather than loving her and giving himself for her, or if the wife is verbally abusing her husband rather than reverencing him, then that is a terrible stumbling block to the children and the family.

The husband is teaching the wife and teaching the child by his example that Yahushua is unloving.

The wife, meanwhile, is teaching the children how to be rebellious and disrespectful toward authority. It is toxic, whether it comes from the husband or it comes from the wife. When it comes from both, it can do very serious damage.

The goal should be for the husband and wife to have the kind of relationship the children admire and want for themselves when they become adults. If the parents are not modeling that, it can cause them to look for other ways to live, tempting them to walk away from the faith altogether.

Now if you are a child listening to this broadcast and your parents are struggling in this area, please understand—your parents are not doing the things they do because this is the life of a believer. They are doing the things they do because they are not walking in the Spirit as the Scriptures instruct us to do. So don’t interpret their unloving actions as being something our Heavenly Father okays or is pleased with. In fact, He is not.

In Galatians chapter 5 in verse 19 it says that the works of the flesh are strife, dissensions, contentions. So in light of that, it cannot be, if we have contentions and arguments and strife going on in the household, it cannot be a small matter. In fact, verbal abuse is usually a part of that. And if we need to see strife and arguing as Yahweh sees it, the way He sees it is those who practice those things will not inherit the kingdom. So that’s spiritually dangerous. And I actually have a full study on this topic. If you go to EliYah.com/transcripts and the study date is the 7/29/2017. Very important. (“Those who practice strife will not inherit Life”)

Now the antidote to walking in the flesh is to walk in the Spirit. If we’re walking in the Spirit, that’s going to be love, joy, peace, goodness, kindness, faithfulness, right? Gentleness, self-control. If that is not what our household looks like, then we are not loving the way Yahweh instructs us to love, period. We’re not walking in His Spirit, period. Rather, we are sinning and we need to repent. It’s that simple. Cut and dry. No holds barred. No sugarcoating.

If this is not what our household looks like, love, joy, peace, goodness, kindness, all these things, we are not manifesting the Spirit of the living Elohim. And our home is not Spirit-filled. If our home has contention and strife and arguing, that is the works of the flesh. And those works of the flesh, if we’re willing to practice them, can keep us from salvation. I didn’t write the mail— Scripture says so.

And so children, if your parents are not providing a household like this, I have two things I want to share with you before I move on.

Number one, don’t associate the way your parents are living with the Bible. They’re not doing what Scripture instructs us to do. There are many households of faith that do have a Spirit-filled home and it’s wonderful.

And number two, don’t judge your parents. Just as you yourself have things that you need to overcome, we all actually do, including me. So rather than judging your parents and becoming bitter toward them because of their issues, resolve how you will try to live your life differently when you get married.

Because here’s what often happens. The bitter-root judgment you store up against your parents is rooted in pride. So this can result in Yahweh testing you to see how well you do. And you’ll see how hard it really is. And if you fail, hopefully His desire would be you would humble yourself and get that bitter-root judgment out of your life. Repent.

Listen, you can save yourself a lot of heartache by just saying, “You know, well, you know, this is an area my parents are not yet overcoming, but I’ll pray for them. I love them. I’ll make sure I’m walking in the Spirit myself and not blame them for what I do. And hopefully I’ll be able to choose to have a more Spirit-filled home. Maybe I can just stand on their shoulders and maybe they’ve fought and clawed and scratched to get this far and I’ll just, I’ll pass them and I’ll keep on going and I’ll improve the next generation. They’ve, they’ve come from so far and they go so far, and maybe I’ll get to go farther and maybe I’ll have a family of my own and I’ll be different.”

That’s the path of humility. That’s the path that Yahweh will be pleased with, and that’s the path you need to take. Be aware of the danger of bitter-root judgments. At the same time, don’t assume the way they’re acting is the way we’re supposed to act. It’s not.

So, but getting back to the parents. I really believe one of the biggest reasons why there is verbal abuse between husband and wife, is there is not an adequate fear of Elohim in this area. Pardon me for saying this, but strife and arguments are right up there with other sins like murder, fornication, drunkenness, idolatry. They’re all works of the flesh.

And people that say, “Well, I can’t seem to control my anger,” it’s really interesting, because I would imagine if you’re in the middle of a heated rage and heaping out words you shouldn’t say, if company showed up, say your friend, or your boss at work, or a relative perhaps, or someone you’re trying to impress—all of a sudden it’s gone. The anger is gone, you’re all acting nice and friendly. What happened? Oh, somehow you’re able to control your anger. Or what if Yahushua walked in the door? Oh, all of a sudden, straighten up.

So the problem isn’t necessarily, “Oh, it’s just too hard.” The problem sometimes is there’s not an adequate fear of Elohim in this area. And just as you hopefully would not consider bowing down to an idol in your house or getting drunk in your house, I hope that you would have a fear of Elohim and not engage in verbal abuse in your house. It’s oppressive. It’s oppression. It’s oppressive to your children when you engage in it. And it is grievous to the living Elohim. It quenches the Spirit. It is a serious matter. It’s not a joke. It’s not something funny to laugh at, it is wrong.

Now, first of all, let me say to the men, just as you should not word curse your children, you should not word curse your wife. You’re not only opening up a wide door for the enemy to possibly attack her even more than she’s already being attacked. But you’re also damaging her heart and make it harder for her to walk in the Spirit.

Scripture says we must dwell with our wives with understanding. (1 Peter 3:7) – Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered. – What’s that got to do with your prayers? If you fail to dwell with understanding, fail to give honor, then your prayers may not be heard. Now, one of the most important things in our life is that we get our prayers heard.

So while it’s true that we are given the position of headship and leadership in the home, it also means we have to lead with understanding. We have to give proper honor to our wives. If we do not, we are at risk of Yahweh not hearing our prayers.

This is why Yahweh said Isaiah 1:15-17 – When you spread out your hands, I will hide my eyes from you; Even though you make many prayers, I will not hear. – He said, I will not hear. – Your hands are full of blood. – How are the hands full of blood? More on that later. –
¹⁶ “Wash yourselves, make yourselves clean; Put away the evil of your doings from before My eyes. Cease to do evil,
¹⁷ Learn to do good; Seek justice, Rebuke the oppressor; Defend the fatherless, Plead for the widow.

Remember, they were not saving the ones who were oppressed. Now, if you’re oppressing your own wife and children, what’s the difference? What’s the difference? Maybe your hands aren’t full of blood physically, but perhaps our children are fatherless, aren’t fatherless, aren’t widows, but maybe it’s so spiritually, our children are on the road to destruction because they’ve never seen the love of Yahushua coming from their father toward their mother.

And so all the Sabbaths and calling of assemblies and feast days doesn’t matter that much to Him. He can’t endure the neglect, the oppression going on in the household. And perhaps some men, you feel oppressed by a contentious and verbally abusive or rebellious wife, and that doesn’t cause you to be exempt from Yahweh’s commandment to love her, right? Because Yahushua loved the assembly, He loved us before we loved Him. In fact, He says we love Him because He did love us first.

And so Scripture says that. We must still love. And that’s the best environment for the other person to change. It’s not a guarantee they will change. And we don’t do it so that we can get them to change. We do it because it’s the right thing to do, it’s what love does.

So it’s important we do not allow any corrupt word to come out of our mouths, no matter how many corrupt words we are being subjected to. We’ve got to be the man and make a stand and be strong. That’s spiritual leadership. Every one of us will face Yahweh that day, that final day. And no matter how much your wife may be failing her duties as a wife, it gives no excuse to fail in our duties as a husband.

We can’t be like Adam, you know, Garden of Eden—“Well, you know, this woman You gave me, she did this and therefore I did that.” Didn’t work with Adam, it’s not going to work with us.

You know, the real test of a man doesn’t necessarily come through how physically strong he is, but the real test of whether a man comes through standing strong in the face of tremendous opposition.

Physical strength is tested when one of strength comes against him, right? Spiritual strength is tested when a strong spiritual opposition comes against him. Remember what David said to Solomon. He said (1 Kings 2:2-3) – I go the way of all the earth; be strong, therefore, and prove yourself a man. – How does he prove himself a man? Prove yourself a man. –
³ “And keep the charge of Yahweh your Mighty One: to walk in His ways, to keep His statutes, His commandments, His judgments, and His testimonies, as it is written in the Torah of Mosheh, that you may prosper in all that you do and wherever you turn;

The way you prove yourself a man is not how strong you are physically. It’s how strong you are spiritually, be strong, prove yourself a man. If you want to prove yourself a man, stand there and just patiently, lovingly, in a spiritual and humble way. Choose not to oppress one who’s oppressing you. Choose not to do evil for evil. That’s Yahushua. That’s what He did. That’s what showed His strength. That’s what showed His love.

True leadership sets an example of love and service. True leadership doesn’t sit back like a king on the throne, firing off orders and demanding respect. True leadership lives in such a way and conducts himself in such a way that’s so Yahushua-like, it just commands respect.

Now, on the part of the wife, she must be very careful to show proper respect for the position Yahweh gave her husband. It doesn’t matter how he acts, just as you must respect a police officer and respect a judge and say your honor, regardless of how much you like that judge or that police officer personally, the same respect must be given to the husband because of the office he holds.

In the case of a police officer and a judge, it is their office you’re respecting more so than the person themselves. They are in a position of authority, honor to whom honor is due. Honor should be given to the office they hold.

And many will decry today the lack of respect being given to law enforcement. “Blue lives matter,” they say, but this is actually the natural outcome of a culture that has no respect for authority. If children don’t have a father in their life and or the wife doesn’t model respect to the husband’s headship in the home, is it any wonder we have a culture filled with children who do not respect police officers and law enforcement?

In the case of a judge or a police officer, those men, really, they sought after that line of work, they wanted to be in those positions. And some of them want to be in those positions because they want to be respected.

So, if they’re to be respected, how much more so the husband? He didn’t ask for that position. He didn’t ask to be the leader. Yahweh gave him that position. So, to disrespect the husband, therefore, is to disrespect Yahweh who gave him that position.

I’m speaking in strong terms today, brothers and sisters, because what I’m telling you is the truth. It’s not always easy to hear the truth, but it’s necessary. I’m not condemning anyone, I’m only sharing what the Word of Yahweh says.

But this is why children must honor their parents. The parents are not perfect, but Yahweh is the One who gave them the parents. To dishonor the parents is to dishonor Yahweh who gave the children those parents.

Likewise, for a wife to verbally abuse her husband is the height of disrespect and rebellion toward Yahweh Himself. That’s why it says (Ephesians 5:24) – Therefore, just as the congregation is subject to Messiah, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.

I can already hear what you’re saying—“What if he tells me to sin?” I’m not talking about that. It’s always the case. If a police officer tells you to sin, you don’t sin. If the judge tells you to sin, you don’t sin. If your husband tells you to sin, you don’t sin. Yahweh’s authority takes precedence over man’s authority.

But at the same time, that’s not what usually happens, is it? In fact, that almost never happens. And you’re just using that as an excuse to do what you want.

Now, the problem arises when the husband’s trying to control the wife or the wife’s trying to control the husband. Whereas Yahweh wants us to have free will. The husband or the wife choose to take away free will and try to control the other spouse through different methods.

The most common method a husband might try to control his wife is by belittling her into compliance. Shaming her into doing what he wants her to do, thereby oppressing her through verbal abuse. And he might justify, “Hey, I’m just trying to get her to do the right thing.” That’s not the way you do it. You don’t sow the flesh and expect to receive the Spirit. You sow the Spirit and then you can look for the Spirit to come back. So, if you sow to the flesh, you reap corruption.

Well, the wife can just as easily do the same. She may not be able to intimidate him with her physical size or a menacing baritone voice. But just as men have developed ways of controlling their wives, women have also found ways to control their husbands. The most common method of control might be called “nagging.” And people joke about it. It’s applying pressure.

We see this in the book of Judges. In Judges 14 verse 16, it says – Then Samson’s wife wept on him and said, “You only hate me!” – You only hate me! – “You do not love me! You have posed a riddle to the sons of my people, but have not explained it to me.” And he said to her, “Look, I have not explained it to my father or my mother; so should I explain it to you?”
¹⁷ Now she had wept on him the seven days while their feast lasted. And it happened on the seventh day that he told her, because she pressed him so much. Then she explained the riddle to the sons of her people.

This is sad. This is really sad. And now some people read this and chuckle a little bit, feeling sorry for Samson. I don’t think it’s a laughing matter. Here is the strongest man in the Bible who could not withstand the pressure of an accusing and nagging wife. Notice she used the power of false accusation to gain control over him—“You only hate me. You do not love me.” False accusation. And she provided evidence—“He didn’t do this, therefore, you hate me.” No, he didn’t trust her. She had not built trust. But she pestered him so much and pressed him so much, he couldn’t stand it anymore.

So she used this, what Scripture calls “verbal abuse,” Scripture calls “violence of the mouth” against him. She was violent. So as I mentioned in previous segments, using false accusations to control another person is a form of verbal abuse and it’s considered violence. The kind of violence that caused Yahweh to destroy the earth with a flood and start over again.

Now, the Hebrew word for “pressed” in this Scripture is this (H6693 צוּק “sûwq” {tsook}) “To constrain, press, bring to straits, straiten and oppress.”

Now, Samson lost his calling. He lost his calling as a man, what Yahweh appointed him to do, because of this one word called “sûwq” in Scripture. Pressure, press.
(Judges 16:15-17) – Then she said to him, “How can you say, ‘I love you,’ when your heart is not with me?” – And so she pestered him, pressed him daily with her words. Verbal abuse, pressed him. – So his soul was vexed to death. – Wow. –
¹⁷ that he told her all his heart, and said to her, “No razor has ever come upon my head, for I have been a Nazirite to Elohim from my mother’s womb. If I am shaven, then my strength will leave me, and I shall become weak and be like any other man.” – So pestered, pestering him daily. Pestered is that word “sûwq”, to the point where the strongest man in the Bible, knowing full well she would likely tell on him, gave up. He could not handle it anymore.

This kind of oppression can be so strong. It can cause normally sane people to do insane things. In Jeremiah chapter 19 verse 9, it says – And I will cause them to eat the flesh of their sons and the flesh of their daughters, and everyone shall eat the flesh of his friend in the siege and in the desperation with which their enemies and those who seek their lives shall drive them to despair. – So these people, the same word is used here. It’s translated, “shall drive them to despair”—“sûwq.”

And so, it is such a powerful tool of control. And many women in our culture know that power too. And they’ll use it freely to control their husbands. And then their henpecked husbands just kind of give up even trying to lead the family. “It’s not worth the fight,” and just let her lead. And then people joke about it saying, “Oh, she wears the pants.” It’s no joking matter. And whenever you meet a new couple, a lot of times it doesn’t take very long, you discern who really wears the pants.

And there are so many men who could have done so many great things, like Samson. But because of “sûwq,” because of this pressure, because of this ability for the wife to control them, they lost their calling. And now they’re kind of mousy, aw-shucks kind of men and sit back and let their wife run everything.

And what they’ve done is they have put the wife in Yahushua’s position. Yahushua is the head of the husband, but many men are content to let their wives be in that spot. They feel as though it’s not worth dealing with her wrath, her accusations, and her contentions.

Solomon spoke of this at length. He said (Proverbs 27:15) – A continual dripping on a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike.

Isaiah said (Isaiah 3:12) – As for my people, children are their oppressors, And women rule over them. O My people! Those who lead you cause you to err, and destroy the way of your paths. – Just like Samson, no different.

Women cannot usually oppress men through physical abuse. Although I’ve heard one lady in particular knew karate and could beat up her husband any old time. But they do it with their words. And that’s how they gain power and control in the relationship. It’s not just some minor sin, ladies, it is major serious.

There is an unclean drive within the hearts of women, some women, to dominate and to control. Many grew up in homes where they were abused by an authority figure. And they resolved in their heart they would not be vulnerable anymore. And their solution, to avoid the same situation again, is to dominate and oppress their husbands. They use tools of control, like false accusations, threats to divorce, anger, to intimidate and oppress their husbands into doing their will.

And as I said, some men will just give up. Let the woman lead, they figure, for the sake of peace and avoid drama. It’s better just to let her have her way all the time. And you’ll talk to them, I’ll talk to them sometime. And they’ll kind of chuckle about it, you know, and say, “Well, I just need peace. I don’t want to have to have all the fighting and arguing.” So they just kind of give up. It’s sad. You never know what they might have been able to accomplish. You never know what they might have been able to do as men of Elohim, as people that would walk in ways and accomplish things that you’ll never really even understand, what they could have done as people of Yahweh. Because they’re not allowed to in their minds. It’s backwards. Easygoing husbands dominated by strong-willed wives and led around by the nose, mousy in their speech and too afraid to stand for what’s right, too oppressed to think they had much of a voice.

And women, if that’s how you treat your husband, you may not even realize it, ask him. You’re no better than a man who dominates and abuses his wife, you’re no better! You’re no better than that man who beats up his wife. You’re no better than that man who beats up his wife with his words. It’s spousal abuse. It’s verbal violence. It’s an attempt to control a husband by means of violence and oppression.

And maybe they’ve relegated themselves to a place beneath you already, and now they’re just oppressed and too weak, too beaten down and too afraid to walk in the role that Yahweh has given them.

And ladies, I’m sorry that you were hurt by oppressive men. In the fifth segment, I’m going to talk to you about those things.

But this evil for evil is not Yahushua’s way. You don’t resolve your lack of trust in Yahweh by dominating your husbands. It’s wrongheaded, it’s not Yahushua’s way. Scripture calls you to a higher place. A higher place. What is a higher place? Do the very opposite.

(1 Peter 3:1-2) – Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, – Even if they are unbelievers. They, with your nagging words? No, without a word, – may be won by the conduct of their wives,
² when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear.

So, this is a general principle. It applies to all situations, even if, even if some don’t obey the word. It applies, be submissive, even if some don’t obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the wife’s conduct. It still applies, regardless of how obedient your own husband might be to the Word, the same principle applies. Let your conduct be what reproves any area of disobedience without a word. Now, if they’re asking you, “Hey, do you see something in me that I need to see?” That’s fine.

But when you’re coming along and trying to lead them and direct them and be Holy Spirit to them, it’s not right. (1 Peter 3:3) – Do not let your adornment – it says – therefore be outward– – And sometimes this goes hand in hand. Someone trying to find an identity in their outward adornment is often the same women who will not be submissive to their own husbands. There’s something wrong in their spiritual walk. And they’re trying to resolve their lack of self-identity, self-worth, whatever it might be, by looking impressive outwardly while they’re oppressive inwardly. So don’t let your adornment be outward, – arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel–
⁴ rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty, of a gentle – a gentle – and quiet spirit, which is very precious – You want to be precious? – in the sight of Elohim. – Walk in gentleness and quietness and submission, winning those in authority without a word. –
⁵ For in this manner, in former times, the holy women who trusted in Elohim also adorned themselves, – With what? Gentle, quiet spirit. – being submissive to their own husbands
⁶ as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him master, whose daughters you are if you do good and are not afraid with any terror. – Don’t be afraid, trust in Elohim.

So your submission is not a sign of how wonderful your husband is. It is evidence of how trustworthy Yahweh is. That’s what you do. You trust. Submission is a tone of respect that you trust in Yahweh, He’s trustworthy. It’s evidence that a woman has faith in Yahweh will take care of her no matter what. If she just does what Yahweh tells her to do, Yahweh will see to it the husband may or may not do, and whatever husband may or may not do, Yahweh will cause all things to work for her benefit. Don’t worry, ladies, I’m getting to the husband next.

Now, if you are the husband of a dominant wife who has difficulty trusting Yahweh, Peter has some advice for you.

Again (1 Peter 3:7-9) – …dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, – It doesn’t mean she’s spiritually weaker, it just means that she’s more fragile because she’s more sensitive, and Yahweh built her to be sensitive so she can take care of her children and be sensitive to their needs. So think of her as a glass carousel or something made out of blown glass. It’s more fragile so you treat with greater care and with greater attention to make sure it’s not hurt or damaged. So – as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered. – Treat her with tenderness and delicacy. –
⁸ Finally, all of you be of one mind, having compassion for one another; love as brothers, be tenderhearted, be courteous;
⁹ not returning evil for evil or reviling for reviling, – That’s abuse for abuse. – but on the contrary blessing, knowing that you were called to this, that you may inherit a blessing. –

We’re called to what? We’re called not to return evil for evil, not returning violent for reviling, but to love, tenderhearted, courteousness, giving honor to the wife, being understanding, understand her, study her, understand her.

If our wives are having difficulty with trusting in Yahweh, we need to dwell with them with understanding, honor them, realize that they are the more fragile vessel and treat them with honor and respect. When we honor and respect them, they feel more secure. We attend to their needs, we’re understanding, we’re seeking to understand them, they feel more secure. Because the core of an abusive husband is an unwillingness to respect his wife or her boundaries, and to not care whether he hurts her or not.

Lacking respect for his wife and sometimes women overall, men may choose to abuse. But the husband must treat his wife with dignity and honor and respect. That builds trust, trust that you are not the kind of man who would knowingly allow harm to come to his wife. And so we dwell with them with understanding, understand what makes her tick, what buttons cause a negative reaction, and do your part to help her trust in Yahweh. That’s true leadership.

As men, we should conduct ourselves in such a way that while we do take the lead, our goal is to come to a consensus with our wives in every decision, so that we might be partners and heirs together of the grace of life. Our goal is to lead in such a way that best serves the family overall, not just what best serves us individually, that’s self-centeredness.

But if we are unable to come to a consensus with our wives, and we believe that we’re clearly led by Yahweh to do something different than our wives would have us to do, we should simply state what our will is in that situation, and act as the one in charge, as the one in the lead.

And if the wife is unwilling to follow our lead, that’s where our responsibility ends. That’s it. We’ve done our part. We’ve taken the lead, we’ve stated what we believe needs to be done, and now the ball is in their court. Whether they’re willing to follow that lead.

Yahweh does that with us! He tells man what he should do, He gives man a choice. Yahushua never grabbed somebody by the throat and said, “You come follow me.” He walked up to Matthew and said, “Follow me. Keep on walking. Take it or leave it.”

Sometimes He even made it hard—“If you’re going to follow Me, you can’t even put your father or your mother ahead of Me. You can’t even put your wife or your children ahead of Me. Follow Me above anybody.” He never made anybody follow Him, did He? Not a soul. He never forced anyone to follow Him.

If you’re like Yahushua, you won’t force your children–I’m sorry, not your children,–your wives to follow you. Your children you do control, we talked about that last segment. Up until they’re adults, at that point, they make the choice. But if they don’t follow our lead, it’s wrong for us to force them through hurtful words or by intimidating, oppressing, hurting, and damaging them.

Leadership involves guiding others into the way of righteousness by example and wisdom. But control involves an attempt to force them to make the right choice. They’re adults, don’t treat them like children. If a wife is only making the right choices because she’s forced to, this is not helping her relationship with Yahweh to grow.

Yes, you do place controls on your children and the choices they make. Only so they will develop good habits. Only so when the day comes and they make their own choice, it’ll be easier for them to make the right choice because they’re already in the habit of making the right choice.

But your wife is an adult. She’s not a child. All you can do is present the right choice to her. Encourage her, perhaps, to do the right thing. But we don’t use efforts to intimidate, to dominate, or oppress them into submission.

The goal is that the wife will do what’s right because she’s willingly, of her own free will, submitting herself to Yahweh.

To oppress them into submission only exacerbates the situation, makes it worse, because it’s the fear of being hurt. And the insecurity that exists in that situation, that’s actually making it difficult for the wife to trust her husband’s decisions. And when you present yourself as someone who’s going to hurt her, it makes it even harder for her to trust and to submit. Let me say that again.

To dominate, to intimidate, and to oppress a wife into submission only makes everything worse because it’s usually her fear of being intimidated, oppressed, and hurt. And that insecurity that comes out of that fear of being hurt, that’s the root cause of why she has a hard time submitting and trusting you to begin with. You’re only making it worse.

Yes, she’s called to trust in Yahweh, as the holy women of old did, yes. But sometimes a history of oppression or abuse has made that a very difficult and scary thing to do.

Yes, they should still trust in Yahweh no matter what, and they have no excuse. But we as men, we can lead as Yahushua did. Lead by serving, by caring, by having compassion, by having gentleness in our attitudes and our words. That will build them up and be a great help to them, helping them to trust in Yahweh.

And yes, there are women who, it don’t matter how you treat them, they’re not going to change. True, you do what you can. There are people who’ve heard about Yahushua, and they will not change. They will not follow Yahushua, they will not. Even knowing He died for them and loves them with a love unspeakable, they will not change.

But the goal is not always just to make them change, and that’s why you do what you do. The goal is to represent Yahushua to every human being on the planet, including your wife. Because we’re called to walk as He walked. And men who lead in that manner most of the time, ladies, are men easy to submit to, aren’t they? I hope so.

And women who are content to allow their husband’s lead, choosing not to fight him or question his worth as a man and accuse him, are women that are very easy to love.

Works both ways, doesn’t it? I’m not picking on one side or the other.

Listen, our relationship can be very symbolic, where both partners find themselves counting on each other. I should say symbiotic, where both partners find themselves counting on each other in a beautiful cycle of love going back and forth. One needs the other, this one needs the other. Symbiotic relationship.

Or, a vicious cycle of verbal abuse that only ends in disaster. Disaster for themselves and disaster for their children. If we have practiced verbal abuse to the point where it becomes a part of our normal character, something we regularly practice.

Did you know Scripture tells us not to consider a person who acts that way? Not even consider them to be a believer? I’m serious. 1 Corinthians chapter 5 in verse 11, it says – But now I have written to you not to keep company with anyone named a brother, who is sexually immoral, – That’s a pretty rough sin there. – or covetous, or an idolater, or a reviler, or a drunkard, or an extortioner– not even to eat with such a person.
¹² For what have I to do with judging those also who are outside? – Signifying they are not believers. – Do you not judge those who are inside? – Yes. –
¹³ But those who are outside Elohim judges. Therefore “put away from yourselves the evil person.” – Now this Scripture here is referencing something in the Torah. So we’ll get to that in a minute.

But the word translated “reviler,” “reviler,” is the Greek word “loiteros.” It’s also found here. It says “the revilers will not inherit the kingdom of Elohim,” there in verse 10 (1 Corinthians 6). It’s a salvational issue. You cannot practice reviling and be a believer, period.

The Friberg Analytical Greek Lexicon tells us this word “loiteros” means “one who intentionally abuses another with speech.” Verbal abuse. It’s serious. It’s important we understand that properly.

The word in the Septuagint, which is a 3rd century BCE translation of the Old Testament from Hebrew to Greek, that word is only found in two places in the New Testament, but it’s found in two other places in the Old Testament as a translation from a Hebrew word. And here it is. (Proverbs 26:21) – As charcoal is to burning coals, and wood to fire, So is a contentious man to kindle strife. – The word translated “contentious” is in the Septuagint, a Greek translation of the Old Testament, “loiteros.” Okay, so we’ve traced back to Hebrew here, and find two instances of this word “loiteros” being used to describe a Hebrew word translated “contentious.”

And also Proverbs 27:15 – A continual dripping on a very rainy day – We read this earlier. – And a contentious woman are alike. – You see, both men and women are quite capable of being verbally abusive.

There are verbally abusive men, there are verbally abusive women, and both are kindlers of strife and a continual dripping on a very rainy day, like Delilah was to Samson—pressed him daily, used false accusation, used constant nagging and pressure, driving the man to the point of being vexed to death. He wanted to die.

Yes, men can practice it too. But this is actually a sin worthy of disfellowship. If there is abusive verbal abuse going on in the household, it is actually something the assembly needs to address. It’s that serious.

1 Corinthians 5:11. Again, he says what? “Put away from yourselves the evil person” practicing verbal abuse. Here, reviler. “Put away from yourselves that person. Don’t eat with them.” They’re not a believer.

And for those of you practicing, I hope this scares you. Because you need the fear of Elohim. I’m not here to condemn, I’m here to tell you the truth. I don’t care how many Sabbaths you’ve kept. I don’t care how well you eat clean. I don’t care how right you pronounce the sacred name—if you’re practicing verbal abuse in your household, you are not a believer, period. Scripture says so. Don’t shoot me. I didn’t write the mail, I’m just delivering it to you.

Look what this is quoting from. “Put away from yourselves the evil person.” He’s quoting the Torah for support. Example, Deuteronomy 21:21 – Then all the men of his city shall stone him to death with stones; so you shall put away the evil from among you, and all Israel shall hear and fear. – Put away the evil from among you. Put away from yourselves the evil person. This is death penalty stuff here, brothers.

So in the eyes of first century believers, this is a capital offense in Torah, to practice verbal abuse, it’s a capital offense. And someone who takes on this practice is considered to be spiritually dead. I’m not suggesting you stone them. I’m suggesting they’re not a part of the congregation. They’re not believers. Put away from yourselves that evil person. Because they are practicing an abomination.

They’re not just practicing one abomination, they are practicing abominations. Proverbs 6:16 says – These six things Yahweh hates, Yes, seven are an abomination to Him:
¹⁷ A proud look, A lying tongue, Hands that shed innocent blood,
¹⁸ A heart that devises wicked plans, Feet that are swift in running to evil,
¹⁹ A false witness who speaks lies, And one who sows discord among brethren.

Now I’ve read these six, seven things. One who is verbally abusive is typically guilty of all seven. I’m not making this up. Think about this for a minute. In the case of the husband, he’s taking his position as the head of the household to be a place of pride—I’m the man, I call the shots; and arrogance. And he abuses his position as a leader. And with that he carelessly, and I’ve seen it I don’t know how many times, carelessly falsely accuses his children, carelessly falsely accuses his wife, and therefore abuses his wife and his children with his lying tongue, and bearing false witness. There’s three abominations already.

And in that self-centeredness, he devises wicked plans to feed his carnal self, his ego, by dominating and controlling his family, lording it over his family, rather than leading them as Yahushua leads those with young—taking up in His arms and gently leading those with young, right?

And this creates an environment of conflict. And this environment of conflict caused by feet that are swift in running to evil, swift to accuse and swift to speak things that are not true about their children or their wife and thereby oppress them, sometimes physically, sometimes verbally, sometimes both, creates this environment where discord exists among brothers and sisters who otherwise would be at peace.

He’s creating a home environment toxic to his family, causing his children, and sometimes his wife, to walk away from the faith, and thereby shedding innocent blood. He has blood on his hands. Because he has misrepresented the father of love and the husband of love, and our Heavenly Father Yahweh, and our spiritual bridegroom, Heavenly bridegroom Yahushua.

And a lot of times his children want nothing to do with the Bible. Because he’s used that Bible as a bludgeoning tool and as a hammer to damage his family. If he had led his family with love, with joy, with peace, with long-suffering, with kindness, with goodness, with faithfulness, with gentleness and with self-control, a different outcome would have emerged. But instead his actions resulted in his children walking away from the faith and wanting nothing to do with the Elohim he claimed to serve, and thereby shedding innocent blood. He has blood on his hands.

Scripture says (Proverbs 29:22) – An angry man stirs up strife, And a furious man abounds in transgression. – Abounds in transgression.

Yeah, look at all the transgressions here. Because a man will not get a hold of his anger and rule his own spirit.

And just as Yahweh told Cain– Look. You’re going to have to, when sin is at the door you’re going to have to rule over it. Men, it’s time to be men and rule over it. Rule your spirit. And let the Holy Spirit be joined with your spirit, right?

What’s the Holy Spirit in your family? Where is the Holy Spirit in your family? Is there love? Is there joy? Is there peace? Are you blaming your wife right now for your actions? You’re no different than Adam. You’re no different. She hand you the fruit, you don’t have to eat it. She hand you that bad fruit? Don’t eat it and act like her! If she’s sowing to the flesh to you, don’t sow to the flesh to her. Just because she’s hand you bad fruit doesn’t mean you got to take that bad fruit and do the same thing. And you blame her before Yahweh? It’s not going to work—Adam was still removed from the garden. Blaming his wife didn’t work.

We have to choose a different fruit from a different tree—the tree of life.

(Galatians 5:22-25) – But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, long-suffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,
²³ gentleness, self-control. – No Torah against that, no transgression of the law against that, see there’s no law against that and so there’s no transgression.

 

I hope today I have put the fear of Elohim in your heart because you need it. Hope Yahushua showed up at the door right now. Not because I hate you, but because I love you. You’re my brother, I hope. If you’re not my brother I’m calling you to be my brother and walk in the Spirit.

Now ladies. If you’re practicing verbal abuse you’re not a lady, you might be a woman but you’re not a lady. What I’m about to say is going to be a hard pill for some of you to swallow. But I’m not going to candy-coat it, I’m not going to hide it, I’m going to tell you like it is. Not because I hate you, but because I love you enough to tell you the truth. I’m not going to be afraid to rain on your parade. And I hope that you love Yahweh enough to allow me to rain on your parade, because for some of you this is going to be very hard for you to hear. But it’s very true.

You’re practicing all seven abominations and more. It starts with pride, all starts with pride. If you scratch the surface of pride, of any sin, usually pride’s there, I mean it’s usually underneath the surface. In some cases it’s not, but in many cases it is.

But the issue is pride because she’s not content with her position as a wife. And so she exalts herself into the position of Yahushua the Messiah, her husband’s leader. And so she’s not humbly conducting her life under authority as Yahweh commands, but like Eve she’s unsatisfied with her created position. And so through pride she begins to take control of her husband, through, usually it comes with it, bearing false witness, and therefore the lying tongue. Falsely accusing—“You don’t love me, because this. You don’t love me because of that.” Uh yeah, you’ll hear that a lot. That’s abuse. That’s abuse sisters. You’re trying to control your husband by making him feel beneath you, and bow and cower to you.

Now you know it works. So anytime he tries to take the lead, she has a wicked plan already in her heart. It’s already in her heart, it works every time. And bring up past offenses, talk about the past, stuff he used to do. Can’t find anything now, go back a year, go back two years, go back to the beginning. Whatever offenses you can find from the past to make him feel accused, to make him feel low, to make him feel worthless. You know he’ll bow, he’ll cower. You know what to do, and you get really good at it too.

There’s nothing in your heart saying, “You shouldn’t do this.” And so you’re swift to run to this evil every single time. Okay, maybe not every single time. But when it’s really needed it’s there in your back pocket, and thereby sowing discord among brothers. You know it’s impossible for you to be submissive and argue with your husband at the same time. It’s two opposites.

And so these lies being spoken is training your children. You’re training your children through the sowing of discord and contention and verbal abuse. Setting an example because more is caught than taught to be rebellious toward authority. You’re training your children all the different ways you can find fault with authority and not do what authority says. So training your children to hate authority and throwing your home into confusion, and tearing it down with your hands and shaking her fist at Yahweh’s authority in our life. Preferring to rearrange Yahweh’s designated place for her, she teaches her children Yahweh is not an Elohim to be feared, rather join forces with the agent of rebellion Satan himself –not satisfied with his position either– and commit a sin equal to witchcraft in the home. (1 Samuel 15:23) – For rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft, And stubbornness is as iniquity and idolatry.

The reason why rebellion is like witchcraft is because it relies upon the devil’s tactics to gain power. Satan is in rebellion against Yahweh’s authority. A woman who will not yield to her husband’s authority is committing a sin equal to witchcraft.

And actually the word translated “stubbornness” here, as in “stubbornness is as iniquity and idolatry,” means “to press, to pressure.” Like when Jacob pressed Esau, same word, to take the gift, take the gift. Or when the servants of Elisha the prophet pressed him to allow them to go and find Eliyah, after he was taken up in a whirlwind. They pressed him, it says until he was ashamed. Not much different than Delilah pressing Samson.

So rebellion and stubbornness are like the sins of witchcraft and idolatry. She might as well be having a seance in her home, it’s the same thing. Is there any sin greater than rebellion, seriously? How many rebels will there be in the kingdom of Yahweh? None!

And so through all of this, just as the verbally abusive husband does, creates this home environment that’s toxic to the family, she also creates a home environment toxic to her family, causing the children and sometimes even the husband, to walk away from the faith altogether, and therefore hands that shed innocent blood.

Yahushua said (Luke 17:1-2) – “It is impossible that no offenses should come, but woe to him through whom they do come!
² ”It would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were thrown into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.”

Proverbs 14 verse 1 – The wise woman builds her home, But the foolish tear it down with their hands.

Let’s stop the offenses. Let’s start building the home rather than tearing it down. Women, give Yahweh the controls. Let Him change your husband’s heart, He can do a better job anyway. If anyone can, He can by the Holy Spirit, a force you cannot produce of your own self.

If you want to play Holy Spirit you’re actually denying the opportunity for your husband to have the kind of relationship with Yahweh he needs to have. So what you’re doing is counterproductive. You’re standing in Yahweh’s way.

So if you want to build your home let Yahweh be the builder. Because – Unless Yahweh builds the house, – you’re laboring in vain (Psalm 127:1).

If your husband’s only doing what he’s supposed to do, because he’s afraid of what his wife will say, what’s going to happen when you’re not there? That’s not a genuine relationship with the Most High. You’re just changing actions, you’re not changing the heart.

Same thing, when parents do the same to their children, or the husband does the same thing to the wife. If only the actions change, but the heart doesn’t change, there’s no credit to that. Because Yahweh ain’t building that. Man is. It’s wasted labor.

Yahweh’s relationship with us, the most important thing that Yahweh wants out of each of us individually, is for each of us individually to have that heart-relationship with Him. That genuine, true, strong relationship with Him. But sometimes the husband gets in the way of his wife having that kind of relationship. Or the wife gets in the way of the husband having that kind of relationship. Or the parents even get in the way of their children, especially late teenage children, from having that kind of relationship.

Direct all things to Yahweh and let Yahweh be the builder. Otherwise, all your labor is nothing. (Galatians 6:7-8) – Do not be deceived, Elohim’s not mocked; whatever you sow, you shall reap. – Except by the grace of Yahweh. –
⁸ For he who sows to his flesh will of the flesh reap corruption, but he who sows to the Spirit will of the Spirit reap everlasting life.

Sow to the Spirit and reap life for your family. How do you walk in the Spirit? You know what to do, I’ve shown you men what you’re supposed to do—bear the fruits of the Spirit. Women must also do the same. It’s just a matter of doing it. You don’t have to ask how, you just do it.

If you want your husband to spend quality time with you, make the time he spends with you to be a time of sweetness and delight, rather than complaining, and accusing, and fighting, and arguing.

Proverbs 25:24 says – It is better to dwell in the corner of a housetop, Than in a house shared with a contentious woman.

Proverbs 21:19 – Better to dwell in the wilderness, Than with a contentious and angry woman.

If you find your husband spending more and more time with his friends, or on projects, or doing other things, maybe that’s his housetop, you know. Maybe that’s his wilderness.

I don’t know how many times I’ve heard men, back when I worked construction, say, “Well, I guess I gotta go home and hear my wife” and they had an expletive word “complain.” They found no pleasure in coming home. So you want to create the best environment possible for him to want to be with you and the family.

Now, men, I didn’t just give you an excuse to neglect your duties as a man. One of which is to spend time with your wife. Maybe if you made your time with your wife a time of love, a time of giving her the attention she needs, and maybe she wouldn’t nag so much.

Oh, women, I didn’t just give you an excuse to nag. Listen, we all need to be accountable to Yahweh. Husband and wife need to give a hundred percent not expecting anything in return, because that’s what Yahweh demands of us individually, give a hundred percent.

And men, if your wife is contentious, understand this: there really aren’t any easy answers to stopping it. Proverbs 27:15 says – A continual dripping on a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike;
¹⁶ Whoever restrains her restrains the wind, and grasps oil with his right hand.

All I can tell you is this—you can’t jam Scripture down her throat and you can’t hammer her into submission. It isn’t Yahweh’s way. The only force capable of changing the wind is Yahweh.

Resist the temptation to allow your leadership to morph you into becoming a controlling individual. If you want your wife to walk in the Spirit, show what it means to walk in the Spirit by example. And resist the temptation to do evil for evil, reviling for reviling. Love her as brothers in the faith are called to love. Most women who operate in rebellion to authority are doing so out of self-protection. They’re usually wounded so start caring about her heart wounds, both from the past and any heart wounds you may have inflicted on her as well. And operate in a position of protector by covering her heart wounds with her hands, with your hands. Protect those wounds.

If you say something she says is hurtful, even if you didn’t mean to say that, doesn’t matter whether you meant to say it, it still hurt. Even if she misunderstood, even if it was an accident, just apologize for hurting her. Listen, if you accidentally elbowed your wife in the shoulder or accidentally caused her to trip and fall, wouldn’t you rush to her and say, “Oh, I’m sorry,” and apologize, even if it was an accident you hurt her physically? So you must do if you accidentally wound her tender heart. We don’t understand sometimes, men. We don’t have the same tenderness, we don’t have the same sensitivity, “How could that hurt you?” We don’t understand.

But understand this. The more you care for her heart, the more she will know you care. And the more she’ll care what you know and want to follow your lead. And the more she knows you care, the more she’ll trust. And the more content she’ll be in knowing she’s loved and she’s valued. Speak words of life into her tender heart. Words of love, affirmation; not words that tear down.

(Ephesians 4:29-32) – Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart – grace – grace to the hearers. – No corrupt word.
³⁰ And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of Elohim, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.
³¹ Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, – Cast it out from the camp, cast it from your heart. And – all the malice. – that goes with it. Instead,
³² And be kind – kindness – tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as Elohim in Messiah forgave you.

And wives, speak words of support to your husband, he needs you. His great need is to be encouraged and properly respected. If he feels respected he won’t feel the need to assert his authority in controlling and hurtful ways.

And let everyone, rather than trying to take control of each other, let Yahweh have the control. By husbands living the way Yahweh commanded them to live, wives living the way Yahweh commanded them to live, each of them treating the other the way Yahweh commands, is the best environment to maximizing the work of the Holy Spirit in their home. Individually and collectively, and that’s how Yahweh builds the home. Each partner doing what they’re supposed to do before the Most High.

Let’s pray.

Heavenly Father Yahweh, great and mighty Elohim. We bow ourselves before You, the master of love, the source of joy, the place of comfort, the place where all of our needs are met. We know Father our needs aren’t necessarily met by what men can do or not do. Our needs are ultimately met from that love that comes from You, through Yahushua, our Master, whom You’ve sent. And we take comfort in the shelter of Your loving wings.

But Abba Yahweh, there are some within the sound of my voice who are offensive to You, and You don’t even know them because of it. And they need to repent and turn away from their oppressive and violent ways, the violence of the tongue, and the damage it does, breaking bones, destroying hearts, tearing down that which You seek to build.

Hear their prayers of repentance and sincerity. Hear their prayers, Father Yahweh, and give them the power through Yahushua to walk as He walked. He walked in love. He walked in wisdom. He demonstrated Your character, Father.

We know that we have a promise—if we confess our sins, You are faithful, You are just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us of all unrighteousness. And against You, You only, we sin because when we hurt others, it’s You that we hurt. It’s Yahushua that we inflict wounds upon.

Forgive us, Abba Yahweh, any areas of our life we hurt others. We want to build up, we want to strengthen, we want to encourage.

And at this moment, we give You thanks. We give You thanks for the good things we see in our spouses, the good things that we see in our children, the good things that we see toward our fellow men, the brothers, the sisters. We give You thanks for Your convicting word and from the life in Messiah Yahushua You offer us.

There is no better way to live than to walk in love regardless of the outcome, regardless of the consequence. Father Yahweh, we lay down our lives. We know we died and our life is hidden with Messiah in Elohim. It’s no longer we that live, it’s Yahushua who lives in us. May Your name be glorified in this life that we live.

In Yahushua’s great name we pray these things, amein.

Now there are some of you, you need to look into the eyes of your spouse, hold their hands and tell them you forgive them as they ask for forgiveness. And you ask for forgiveness and they need to forgive you. And you need to tell them you’re thankful for the good things that you see and start mentioning the things that you praise Yahweh for in their life.

Think of the good traits in your husband, think of the good traits in your wife and start thanking Yahweh for them verbally as you look into their eyes, and do the same for your children.

Say, “I praise Yahweh for you, for this and for that.” And start allowing the words of life to make the impact, to impart that grace as you find your family walking in the Spirit.

Say, “I praise Yahweh you walked in the Spirit at that moment. I thank Yahweh, you did the right thing at this moment.” And let’s start leading by encouragement and get underneath each other and bear each other up when we see something they’re struggling with. And be humble because realize, we all have things we’re struggling with. We all do.

May Yahweh guide you and your family into a place of shalom, into a place of love, into a place of joy, into a place where gentleness, long-suffering, and self-control manifest itself every day.

May Yahweh build your home. In Yahushua’s name, let it be so.